Personal or academic interests vs. intellectual and personal goals - essay

Pleas review my essay and give critiques please

In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or personal goals.

My genuine passion is biology (especially animal science) and nothing more can appeal to me than exploring the animal world.
Since childhood, I have always been fond of animals. Every summer, I remember going to the Brookfield Zoo and petting the animals. I never got tired of going to the zoo. When I was younger , I remember visiting my great grandmother in Mexico. She had a farm with chickens, pigs and dogs. After seeing the baby chicks hatch, I did not want to eat eggs for a little bit. At home , I took care of several pets. I had 2 rabbits that were the most interesting pets I have seen. Not only was the cage filthy, but they smelled as well. However, I gave them my attention. One day my sister and I saw that one of the rabbits had fir in their litter box. Upon closer inspection, we see the litter box moving. My sister and I thought they were parasites. When we called my father, it turned out that one of the rabbits had a litter. We were puzzled because we could not determine the sex of each of the rabbits. My sister and I did not separate them in time and the one rabbit had another litter! After this experience, I learned to research each animal before purchasing them.
To achieve my goal, I want to major in Biology and possibly explore animal science. During my undergraduate studies, I hope to participate in research projects related to this area. I want to work with the distinguished faculty from the University of Illinois who can help me explore my interests.

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"My genuine passion is biology (especially animal science) and nothing more can appeal to me than exploring the animal world.
Since childhood, I have always been fond of animals. Every summer, I remember going to the Brookfield Zoo and petting the animals. I never got tired of going to the zoo. When I was younger (Remove comma) I remember visiting my great grandmother in Mexico. She had a farm with chickens, pigs, and dogs. After seeing the baby chicks hatch, I did not want to eat eggs for a little bit. At home, I took care of several pets. I had two rabbits that were the most interesting pets I have seen. Not only was the cage filthy, but they smelled as well. However, I gave them my attention. One day my sister and I saw that one of the rabbits had fir in their litter box. Upon closer inspection, we see the litter box moving. My sister and I thought they were parasites. When we called my father, it turned out that one of the rabbits had a litter. We were puzzled because we could not determine the sex of each of the rabbits. My sister and I did not separate them in time and the one rabbit had another litter! After this experience, I learned to research each animal before purchasing them.
To achieve my goal, I want to major in biology and possibly explore animal science. During my undergraduate studies, I hope to participate in research projects related to this area. I want to work with the distinguished faculty from the University of Illinois who can help me explore my interests."

You've got a good start here. You could add a little bit on your specific interests in this field a little bit more. Do you have any goals for your time at the university? What area of expertise would you like to go into when you graduate? Things like that.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank you for your time

I have another essay for you to look at:

In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

I was entering my junior year in high school. I felt that it was necessary to get a job. It became annoying always asking my parents for money. I wanted to spend my own money. I also wanted to save my money for college.
My parents raised me believing that you must work for the things you want. I had to understand the value of a dollar and what it meant to work. I enjoyed the challenge of working. To be honest, I really enjoyed receiving a paycheck every two weeks.
This work experience benefited me in many ways. I received a financial education. With my limited funds, I knew that I had to budget and plan for things that I wanted to buy. Also, I had to overcome the temptation of spending all of my paycheck on clothes and video games. If I wanted something, I had to save money. In addition, I learned valuable people skills. I interacted with people from all backgrounds and cultures. When conflicts arose, I knew how to handle them by speaking up and letting your feelings known. Another valuable benefit I received by working is time management. I had to manage my time between my social life, school work and work life. I learned to better plan and organize events. Also, I learned that I could not longer do things at the spur of the moment, I had to plan. To better organize myself, I had a school planner in which I wrote down when I work, what assignments are due and when exams were coming up.
Working not only gave me a paycheck, but it allowed me greater independence. I had my own money and I learned how to save and budget. In addition, I learned valuable people skills and better organizational skills.

You're welcome.

Here are my suggestions:

"I was entering my junior year in high school and I felt that it was necessary to get a job. It became annoying always asking my parents for money. I wanted to spend my own money; I also wanted to save my money for college.
My parents raised me believing that you must work for the things you want. I had to understand the value of a dollar and what it meant to work. I enjoyed the challenge of working. To be honest, I really enjoyed receiving a paycheck every two weeks.
This work experience benefited me in many ways. I received a financial education. With my limited funds, I knew that I had to budget and plan for things that I wanted to buy. Also, I had to overcome the temptation of spending all of my paycheck on clothes and video games. If I wanted something, I had to save money. In addition, I learned valuable people skills. I interacted with people from all backgrounds and cultures at my job. When conflicts arose, I knew how to handle them by speaking up and letting my feelings become known. Another valuable benefit I received by working is time management. I had to manage my time between my social life, school work, and work life. I learned to better plan and organize events. Also, I learned that I could not longer do things at the spur of the moment, I had to plan. To better organize myself, I had a school planner in which I wrote down when I worked, what assignments were due and when exams were coming up.
Working not only gave me a paycheck, but it allowed me greater independence. I had my own money and I learned how to save and budget. In addition, I learned valuable people skills and better organizational skills."

Excellent job! You answer the prompt very well, are organized, and use great examples to support your statments. Other than the very few mechanical errors, your essay is wonderful!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com