Critique my essay please (with star wars), applying to pre-med

This is my common app essay and am answering the following question: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence. I am afraid that my 4th paragraph sounds a bit preachy/braggy and that my movie references are too specific (though i tried to keep them general enough that anyone in the general public would catch them). I am applying pre-med to many different schools. The essay is 752 words long, just about the max it can be. Thank you for any help.

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Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"In the vast pantheon of film and literature there are no two characters more opposite than Atticus Finch and Hannibal Lecter. Lecter is presented as an amalgamation of humanity's evils, a figure so sinister he can scarcely be called human. He is an entity immune to analyzation or dissection. Lecter is pure malice, evil incarnate. Conversely, Atticus Finch is the embodiment of our dearest values. Atticus likewise seems to transcend humanity albeit in a different way. His infinite benevolence and wisdom make him seem more saint than man. He exists solely to help other people, while Hannibal lives to consume them. Atticus is a champion of justice, unflinching in the face of hatred and adversity. Not surprisingly, subsequent to the release of the book, many pre-law students cited Atticus as the figure they most wanted to emulate. However, rather than striving to become the angelic Atticus or the demonic Lecter I follow in the footsteps of Luke Skywalker, and not just because it means having a light saber.
The key to Skywalker's immortality is his identifiability. He is a rebellious teenager whose head is filled with dreams of greater things. He is neither an angel nor a demon; he is a normal adolescent trying to grow up in a world too small for his potential. However, Skywalker matures, grows stronger, and overcomes steep challenges to protect what is dear to him and become the man he always aspired to be. In Skywalker I have always found a role model who I could identify with, yet still emulate.

In sophomore year I joined the wrestling team and endured one of the harshest experiences of my life. I was subjected to physical torture by my coaches. My back still aches upon recalling how, weighing 154 pounds, how I was forced to run up flights of stairs while carrying a 220 pound wrestler. I think of being hungry for three and a half months, forced to subsist on a diet of nectarines, water, and curds. In junior year I took three AP courses. I studied for hours every night, often returning late from rehearsals or practice and having to study through the early hours of the morning. I remember the shock of receiving my first ever "D" on an AP chemistry test, despite my hours of studying. However, the challenge of these experiences made me reflect back on Skywalker's journey. Surely if Luke Skywalker could shoot a proton torpedo into a two meter exhaust pipe destroying the Death Star I could run one more flight of stairs or do ten more chemistry problems. I survived wrestling season and achieved an "A" in chemistry one quarter. Witnessing Skywalker's displays of conviction instilled in me a fierce sense of determination and a belief that I could not only get past hardships, but be made stronger by them.

Skywalker's most important aspect is not his own power, but his ability to inspire and instill strength in others. In 2004, my friends and I entered a worldwide problem solving competition that tested our logical and creative abilities. Our task was to create an 8 minute skit, set, and props to solve a "long term" problem with a budget of only $150. We would also solve a smaller problem, called a "Spontaneous," given to us at the competition. As we neared the deadline of the contest, stress in the group lead to infighting. Some group members wanted to give up; they felt we were not ready to compete. In response, I scheduled extra skit and spontaneous practices. I gave everyone, including myself, a job so that they could contribute to the bettering of our skit and be too busy to fight. I compared our practice scores to the ones from the beginning of the year to motivate my teammates through visible improvement. To avoid a dispute, when time came to pick the Spontaneous team (5 of 7 could participate), I chose which members would compete based on the strengths that they had displayed. We placed 1st in the state and 3rd in the world for the long term problem. Just as Luke lead the victory against the empire, through inspired teamwork we had accomplished an equally impressive feat.

Through medicine and future hard work, I hope that I can one day become a man who can overcome any challenge with sufficient drive; one who helps all those around him through his efforts, just like Skywalker. (What does medicine have to do with anything? If this is important to the app then you should comment and relate to it earlier in the essay.) Skywalker may one day fade from the public memory but his force will be with me always."

Your comparisons and descriptions are good; they are not too vague or too specific. Your paragraphs look well structured, and the length looks right.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

I forgot to add i'm applying pre-med, so I thought i'd throw a medical reference in there in an attempt to explain one of the reasons I chose medicine. It is not really important to the common app so maybe I should just remove the reference. Thanks for the help gloria. Any more comments/suggestions?

Good morning.

If it's not pertinent to the rest of the essay and not necessary to mention in the essay, then you can go ahead and remove it; otherwise, it is confusing to your reader.
I would also suggest that you somehow tie in Atticus and Lecter to Skywalker because it almost seems like you are writing two essays here. Perhaps instead you could spend more time explaining Skywalker's traits and relating them to your life, or contrast all three characters more thoroughly throughout the whole essay. It's almost as if there is a clear definitive line dividing the text into two parts.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

what would you recommend i do to make the first paragraph less divisive from the rest of the essay? I mean the first paragraph to be a segway into the rest of the essay, showing that it's not good to try and emulate two extremes but rather try to find something in the middle (ie. luke skywalker).

I don't really want to keep bringing these characters into the essay because firstly, this will lengthen the essay to much, and also because atticus is the only one worth comparing to and i already stated in the first paragraph i didn't want to emulate him. Plus, i want to keep the rest of the essay as skywalker focused as possible. However, i do recognize the abruptness of the transition. Any help would be appreciated.

Well, like I said before, how about cutting them out completely and filling in those paragraphs with more on Skywalker? Why do you want to spend so much time with characters you don't want to be like? Why not spend it on someone you do want to be like? At the beginning of your essay I figured you were a pre-law student and were going to analyze these two characters somehow involving the law. As this is not hte case, you probably want to rework the beginning so that it is more appropriate to your subject. You could still keep your opening similar to what you've got already:

"In the vast pantheon of film and literature there are many diverse characters. There are those presented as an amalgamation of humanity's evils, figures so sinister they can scarcely be called human. Conversely, there are those which are the embodiment of our dearest values. These characters seem to transcend humanity albeit in a different way. They seem to possess infinite benevolence and wisdom, which make them seem more saint than human. However, rather than striving to become angelic or demonic I follow in the footsteps of someone mroe middle-of-the-road: Luke Skywalker (and not just because it means having a light saber)."
Or something of the like.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

oh ok, thanks alot. I think that'll really help my essay. I'll post a revised version later

Great! I look forward to it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

My AP english teacher agreed to look over the grammar stuff just because i'm unsure about all of the commas that were removed in the second post (no offense) as well as some of my agreements. ok, here's the revision (sorry it took so long)
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The vast pantheon of film and literature is home to many diverse characters. There are those presented as amalgamations of humanity's evils, men like Hannibal Lecter, figures so sinister, they can scarcely be called human. These beasts are entities of malice, evil incarnate. Conversely, there are those which are the embodiment of our dearest values, men like Atticus Finch. These personae posses infinite benevolence and wisdom that make them seem more saint than man. They likewise transcend humanity, albeit in a different way than their lucifrian counterparts. However, rather than try to emulate either unobtainable extreme, I prefer to follow the more "middle-of-the-road" Luke Skywalker (and not just because it means having a light saber and piloting an X-Wing).

The key to Skywalker's immortality is his identifiability. He is a rebellious teenager whose head is filled with dreams of greater things. He is neither an angel nor a demon; he is a normal adolescent trying to grow up in a world too small for his potential. However, Skywalker matures, grows stronger, and overcomes steep challenges to protect what is dear to him and become the man he always aspired to be. In Skywalker I have always found a role model who I could identify with, yet still emulate.

In sophomore year I joined the wrestling team and endured one of the harshest experiences of my life. I was subjected to physical torture by my coaches. My back still aches upon recalling how, weighing 154 pounds, I was forced to run up flights of stairs while carrying a 220 pound wrestler. I think of being hungry for three and a half months, forced to subsist on a diet of nectarines, water, and curds. In junior year I took three AP courses. I studied for hours every night, often returning late from rehearsals or practice and having to study through the early hours of the morning. I remember the shock of receiving my first ever D on an AP chemistry test, despite my hours of studying. However, the challenge of these experiences made me reflect back on Skywalker's journey. Surely if Luke Skywalker could shoot a proton torpedo into a two meter exhaust pipe, destroying the Death Star, I could run one more flight of stairs or do ten more chemistry problems. I survived wrestling season and achieved an A in chemistry one quarter. Witnessing Skywalker's displays of conviction instilled in me a fierce sense of determination and a belief that I could not only get past hardships, but be made stronger by them.

Skywalker's most important aspect however is not his own power, but his ability to inspire and instill strength in others. In 2004, my friends and I entered a worldwide problem solving competition that tested our logical and creative abilities. Our task was to create an 8 minute skit, set, and props to solve this "long term" problem with a budget of only $150. We would also solve a smaller problem, called a Spontaneous, given to us at the competition. As we neared the deadline of the contest, stress in the group lead to infighting. Some group members wanted to give up; they felt we were not ready to compete. In response, I scheduled extra skit and Spontaneous practices. I gave everyone, including myself, a job so that they could contribute to the bettering of our skit and be too busy to fight. I compared our practice scores to the ones from the beginning of the year to motivate my team mates through visible improvement. To avoid a dispute, when time came to pick the Spontaneous team (5 of 7 could participate), I chose which members would compete based on the strengths that they had displayed. We placed 1st in the state and 3rd at the world finals in Colorado. Just as Luke led the victory against the empire; through inspired teamwork we had accomplished an equally impressive feat.

I hope that I can one day become a man who can overcome any challenge with sufficient drive, one who helps all those around him through his efforts, just like Skywalker. Skywalker may one day fade from the public memory, but his force will be with me, always.
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I need feedback on the new changes and I think my second and final paragraphs could use work. Suggestions?

Good morning.

Here are my suggestions:

"The vast pantheon of film and literature is home to many diverse characters. There are those presented as amalgamations of humanity's evils; men like Hannibal Lecter, figures so sinister (Remove comma) they can scarcely be called human. These beasts are entities of malice, evil incarnate. Conversely, there are those which are the embodiment of our dearest values; men like Atticus Finch. These personae possess infinite benevolence and wisdom that make them seem more saint than man. They likewise transcend humanity, albeit in a different way than their Luciferian counterparts. However, rather than try to emulate either unobtainable extreme, I prefer to follow the more "middle-of-the-road" Luke Skywalker (and not just because it means having a light saber and piloting an X-Wing).

The key to Skywalker's immortality is his identifiability. He is a rebellious teenager whose head is filled with dreams of greater things. He is neither an angel nor a demon; he is a normal adolescent trying to grow up in a world too small for his potential. However, Skywalker matures, grows stronger, and overcomes steep challenges to protect what is dear to him and become the man he always aspired to be. In Skywalker I have always found a role model who I could identify with (Remove comma) yet still emulate. What about this do you not like?

In my sophomore year I joined the wrestling team and endured one of the harshest experiences of my life. I was subjected to physical torture by my coaches. My back still aches upon recalling how, weighing 154 pounds, I was forced to run up flights of stairs while carrying a 220 pound wrestler. I think of being hungry for three and a half months, forced to subsist on a diet of nectarines, water, and curds. In junior year I took three AP courses. I studied for hours every night, often returning late from rehearsals or practice and having to study through the early hours of the morning. I remember the shock of receiving my first ever "D" on an AP chemistry test, despite my hours of studying. However, the challenge of these experiences made me reflect back on Skywalker's journey. Surely if Luke Skywalker could shoot a proton torpedo into a two meter exhaust pipe, destroying the Death Star, I could run one more flight of stairs or do ten more chemistry problems. I survived wrestling season and achieved an "A" in chemistry one quarter. Witnessing Skywalker's displays of conviction instilled in me a fierce sense of determination and a belief that I could not only get past hardships, but be made stronger by them.

Skywalker's most important aspect however is not his own power, but his ability to inspire and instill strength in others. In 2004, my friends and I entered a worldwide problem solving competition that tested our logical and creative abilities. Our task was to create an 8 minute skit, set, and props to solve a "long term" problem with a budget of only $150. We would also solve a smaller problem, called a "Spontaneous," given to us at the competition. As we neared the deadline of the contest, stress in the group lead to infighting. Some group members wanted to give up; they felt we were not ready to compete. In response, I scheduled extra skit and Spontaneous practices. I gave everyone, including myself, a job so that we could each contribute to the bettering of our skit and be too busy to fight. I compared our practice scores to the ones from the beginning of the year to motivate my teammates through visible improvement. To avoid a dispute, when time came to pick the Spontaneous team (5 of 7 could participate), I chose which members would compete based on the strengths that they had displayed. We placed 1st in the state and 3rd at the world finals in Colorado. Just as Luke led the victory against the Empire, through inspired teamwork we had accomplished an equally impressive feat.

I hope that I can one day become a man who can overcome any challenge with sufficient drive; one who helps all those around him through his efforts, just like Skywalker. Skywalker may one day fade from the public memory (Remove comma) but his force will be with me (Remove comma) always." What is it about this paragraph that you do not like?

A few "rules" for comma use:

1.Use commas to separate independent clauses when they are joined by any of the seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet.

2. Use commas after introductory clauses, phrases, or words that come before the main clause.

3. Use a pair of commas in the middle of a sentence to set off clauses, phrases, and words that are not essential to the meaning of the sentence. Use one comma before to indicate the beginning of the pause and one at the end to indicate the end of the pause.

Here are some clues to help you decide whether the sentence element is essential:

If you leave out the clause, phrase, or word, is the sentence still logical?
Does the clause, phrase, or word interrupt the flow of words in the original sentence?
If you move the element to a different position in the sentence, does the sentence still make sense?
If you answer "yes" to one or more of these questions, then the element in question is nonessential and should be set off with commas.

4. Don't use a comma to separate the subject from the verb.

5. Don't put a comma between the two verbs or verb phrases in a compound predicate.

6. Don't put a comma between the two nouns, noun phrases, or noun clauses in a compound subject or compound object.

7. Don't put a comma after the main clause when a dependent (subordinate) clause follows it (except for cases of extreme contrast).

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

thanks for the fixes. i feel like maybe the last paragraph is to abrupt of an end and doesn't transition well from the previous paragraph. The second paragraph is fine

OK, how about:

"Skywalker's most important aspect however is not his own power, but his ability to inspire and instill strength in others. In 2004, my friends and I entered a worldwide problem solving competition that tested our logical and creative abilities. Our task was to create an 8 minute skit, set, and props to solve a "long term" problem with a budget of only $150. We would also solve a smaller problem, called a "Spontaneous," given to us at the competition. As we neared the deadline of the contest, stress in the group lead to infighting. Some group members wanted to give up; they felt we were not ready to compete. In response, I scheduled extra skit and Spontaneous practices. I gave everyone, including myself, a job so that we could each contribute to the bettering of our skit and be too busy to fight. I compared our practice scores to the ones from the beginning of the year to motivate my teammates through visible improvement. To avoid a dispute, when time came to pick the Spontaneous team (5 of 7 could participate), I chose which members would compete based on the strengths that they had displayed. We placed first in the state and third at the world finals in Colorado. Just as Luke led the victory against the Empire, through inspired teamwork we had accomplished an equally impressive feat.

I hope that I can one day become a man who can overcome any challenge with sufficient drive; one who helps all those around him through his efforts, just like Skywalker. I believe I have already exemplified this through my actions as a leader during the problem solving competition. I intend to continue to strive with this type of perseverance in my studies and my academic career at your prestigious university, and in my post-academic life as well. Skywalker may one day fade from the public memory but his force will be with me always."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

hmmm ok, i'm gonna try and write up something like that

Keep up your hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com