"EXPERIENCES THAT HELPED YOU DEFINE AS A PERSON" COLLEGE ADMISSION ESSAY.

I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IF YOU'D HELP ME WITH MY ESSAY. THANKS! :D

Being the youngest in the family, I am hyperactive. As a kid, all I do at home is play. I don't take things seriously. It's as if the only thing that matters is to have fun. I was never afraid of me getting scolded by my naughtiness. I was never afraid of getting hurt. I do whatever I want to. I was simply acting myself.

I am totally a different person in school. I don't belong to a big group. I was never part of a school team. Worse, I don't participate in class. I don't excel at anything. I've always been the shy type, the kid who never starts conversations, the kid who remains silent, and the kid who's afraid of getting hurt.

I am fully aware that a usual kid acts the same way both in school and at home. I act different. I wasn't like any other kid. I was like a kid who's fully equipped with a raincoat and an umbrella on a hot summer day. I was afraid of the rain. I was afraid of strange things that may come my way. I was afraid of doing things on my own. Afraid of not doing the right thing.

This only shows that the word trust wasn't easy to find in my dictionary. It is hard for me to trust other people. Hard, because even I don't trust myself. It's hard for me to believe in myself. It is hard to believe that I am capable of doing extraordinary things. That doing what you love to do makes you feel special. That doing what you want to makes you unique.

But the sad truth is that I don't think that way. I fear rejection. I'm afraid of what others think about me. I'm afraid of not reaching their expectations. I'm afraid of failures. I fear a lot of things.

Things changed when I tried auditioning for the school paper. This experience is not extraordinary but still it has managed to influence me in many ways I cannot describe. It made me realize that there's no harm in trying. I became a stronger person because I wanted to. I started to believe in myself. Now, I appreciate the things that I can do. Only by taking risks and doing absurd things, I can achieve the impossible.

It has pushed me to go and reach my dreams. Aim higher, achieve higher. And my dream? I want to go to college. I want to go to a good university that'll help me reach the impossible. I want to be extraordinary. I can do this if only I'd believe in myself. So I'd end this with a line from a song most of us know, "And finally I believe."

Good morning.

Here are my suggestions:

"Being the youngest in the family, I am hyperactive. (What does being the youngest have to do with being hyperactive? Please explain further.) As a kid, all I did at home was play. I did not take things seriously. It's as if the only thing that matters was to have fun. I was never afraid of getting scolded by my naughtiness. I was never afraid of getting hurt. I did whatever I wanted to. I was simply acting myself. (I am assuming you are no longer a child, therefore this should be past tense, as you are not experiencing these things right now as you are writing this essay.)

I was a totally different person in school. I did not belong to a big group. I was never part of a school team. Worse, I did not participate in class. I did not excel at anything. I have always been the shy type, the kid who never started conversations, the kid who remained silent, and the kid who was afraid of getting hurt. (Refrain from using casual contractions in formal academic writing. Also again pay attention to your tense.)

I am fully aware that a usual kid acts the same way both in school and at home, but I acted different. I was not like any other kid. I was like a kid who was fully equipped with a raincoat and an umbrella on a hot summer day. I was afraid of the rain. I was afraid of strange things that may come my way. I was afraid of doing things on my own. Afraid of not doing the right thing.

This only shows that the word trust was not easy to find in my dictionary. It is hard for me to trust other people. Hard, because even I do not trust myself. It is hard for me to believe in myself. It is hard to believe that I am capable of doing extraordinary things. That doing what you love to do makes you feel special. That doing what you want to makes you unique.

But the sad truth is that I do not think that way. I fear rejection. I am afraid of what others think about me. I am afraid of not reaching their expectations. I am afraid of failure. I fear a lot of things.

Things changed when I tried auditioning for the school paper. This experience was not extraordinary but still it has managed to influence me in many ways I cannot describe. It made me realize that there is no harm in trying. I became a stronger person because I wanted to. I started to believe in myself. Now, I appreciate the things that I can do. Only by taking risks and doing absurd things can I achieve the impossible. There should be a great deal more explanation here; what exactly was it that happened that forced you to make such a drastic change in your thinking and attitude? This is the pivotal point of your essay, and you need to do it justice by expanding upon it and relaying to your readers the full impact of this experience. It is okay if you cannot describe some of the things that you experienced during this period, but do your best with what you can describe. This is the focal point that the board will be scrutinizing when they read your paper, so this is where you need to shine.

It has pushed me to go and reach my dreams; aim higher, achieve higher. And my dream? I want to go to college. I want to go to a good university that will help me reach the impossible. I want to be extraordinary. I can do this if only I'd believe in myself. So I'd end this with a line from a song most of us know, "and finally I believe."" What is it that you want to study at the university? What do you plan on doing with your degree once you have obtained it?

Regards,
Gloria
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