UCF quality to better the campus - admission essay

yes i know im a horrible writer. i read this and it sounds like a 5 year old wrote it. PLEASE HELP ME! revise it entirely or maybe i should just start over? im not sure if this is even anywhere near right. i just figured its something most people wont write about.

TOPIC: What qualities or characteristics do you posses that will allow you to contribute to the UCF community.


Many people tell me I have an amazing personality, a smile of oars, and spunk in me that is unexplainable. In my eyes anyone can show these qualities as a false image. Qualities are something that makes you who you are.
Going to a High School in a high income neighborhood was never very easy for me. Day to day I felt that I had to show a certain image and act a certain way to be well liked. Materialism in my eyes is a huge problem in society today. It makes people think that having the best cars, the newest fashion of clothing, and the most expensive jewelry makes them a better person. I did not find this out until I entered the first day of high school. From that day on I decided to change that image, I started a club at school called stirring it up. Where kids from all different types of nationality would join together and socialize about religion, their family, and interest. I believe I have showed these people that beauty comes from within.
I consider my greatest quality that I could contribute to the UCF campus will be my determination to make society a better place. I have a desire to change the way people look at life and their future, to encourage focusing on education rather then materialism. I hope to encourage people to look at someone from the inside out, and not by their appearance or nationality. UCF's very diverse campus has also led me to believe I can change the stereotypical image of certain cultures. With my determination and courage I know I can better the UCF community.

Good morning.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody's perfect at anything :)

Here are my suggestions:

"Many people tell me I have an amazing personality, a smile of oars, and spunk that is unexplainable. In my eyes anyone can show these qualities as a false image. Qualities are something that makes you who you are.
Going to a high school in a high income neighborhood was never very easy for me. Day to day I felt that I had to show a certain image and act a certain way to be well liked. Materialism in my eyes is a huge problem in society today. It makes people think that having the best cars, the newest fashions, and the most expensive jewelry makes them a better person. I did not find this out until I entered the first day of high school. From that day on I decided to change that image, I started a club at school called "Stirring It Up" where kids from all different nationalities could join together and socialize about religion, their family, and interests. I believe I have showed these people that beauty comes from within.
I consider my greatest quality that I could contribute to the UCF campus to be my determination to make society a better place. I have a desire to change the way people look at life and their future and to encourage focus on education rather then materialism. I hope to encourage people to look at someone from the inside out, and not judge them by their appearance or nationality. UCF's very diverse campus has also led me to believe I can change the stereotypical image of certain cultures. With my determination and courage I know I can better the UCF community."

Good job! You show a good example of how you have changed the landscape of your previous campus, and that you intend on making another positive change on the new one. You could spend a little more time talking about the club and what you did in it, or share an interesting story about it, if your word limit allows. You did answer the prompt adequately, with a very good example of your past and your future intent. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

thank you so much for your help!!!!
i greatly appreciate it

You are very welcome.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com