"Obstacle in your personal life" essay - please revise

Hi i know i am a horrible essay writer so i need some help PLEASE!
i took out the peoples names in the essay and replaced it with a ____

PLEASE REVISE and tell me anything i need to change, or if i should just start over

TOPIC: If there has been some obstacle in the road in your personal life, please explain the circumstances


People say after hard times you learn and you mature from it, times in life wont always be picture perfect. I've learned this first hand.
Ill never forget sitting in the back seat of my friend's mother's car with my best friend screaming the words to "Before he cheats" on the radio. It was a picture perfect scene, until I got a phone call that would forever change our lives. Our good friend ____ was crying hysterically, yelling, and screeching "he died, he's dead!" That moment my world stopped. Tears streamed down my face like a water fall, my body went numb, and a chill unexplainable ran through the car. Denial filled my head. Id had an awesome life with no obstacles until now. Things like this didn't happen, except in movies.
I immediately called his cell phone, left a voice mail that was never returned. ___ my friend, one of the nicest, most outgoing, and caring people I'd ever met, was to never be seen again. Memories of him raced through my mind.
Going through the stages of grief, denial, and depression has to have been the biggest obstacle I've overcome. Death isn't easy, life isn't easy, and eventually everyone learns this from a personal experience. This tragedy has taught me a lot; I am now a stronger and more mature person. I have experienced something some people never will. I have realized bad things happen to good people and that life isn't always fair. But most importantly to live everyday as if it were my last.

Good morning :)

OK, let's see what we've got here:

"People say after hard times you learn and you mature from it, that times in life will not always be picture perfect. I have learned this first hand.
I will never forget sitting in the back seat of my friend's mother's car with my best friend screaming the words to "Before he Cheats" on the radio. It was a picture perfect scene, until I got a phone call that would forever change our lives. Our good friend ____ was crying hysterically, yelling, and screeching "He died, he's dead!" That moment my world stopped. Tears streamed down my face like a waterfall, my body went numb, and an unexplained chill ran through the car. Denial filled my head. I had an awesome life with no obstacles until then. Things like this did not happen, except in movies.
I immediately called his cell phone, left a voice mail that was never returned. ___ my friend, one of the nicest, most outgoing, and caring people I had ever met, was to never be seen again. Memories of him raced through my mind.
Going through the stages of grief, denial, and depression has to have been the biggest obstacle I have overcome. Death is not easy, life is not easy, and eventually everyone learns this from a personal experience. This tragedy has taught me a lot; I am now a stronger and more mature person. I have experienced something some people never will. (You just finished saying how everyone has to go through something like this in life, but here you state that you've experienced something individual; this is very conflicting. I suggest changing this statement to something such as, "I have experienced something profound, and it has effected me deeply.) I have realized bad things happen to good people and that life is not always fair, but most importantly to live everyday as if it were my last."

Watch your use of casual contractions such as "won't" and "can't" in formal academic writing. Otherwise, you've got a good essay. You tell your story well and explain briefly how it has changed you. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

thank you once again i will make those corrections

You are very welcome.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

hi gloria you helped me a lot with my other UCF admission essay i was wondering if you could help me with my FSU one.

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

as you saw before i am a horrible writer. i hope this isnt that bad anything you have to say that can help please let me know! :) im not even sure if this essay relates to the essay topic. i was kind of confused by the topic.


REMOVED

Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"Florida States guiding words "Vires, Artes, Mores" which in Latin mean "Strength, Intellect, and Character" are all words other people and myself would describe me as. The one that I can relate to the best would have to be "Vires." Sometimes strength is found from falling down and building oneself back up. On September 12, 2006 I fell down, but I never wanted to get back up. This was the day my godmother died, and the day 5 years ago I found out she was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 4. My world literally stopped; I stayed in bed for days crying and not understanding why, if I had prayed so hard, god let this happen. To me I felt punished and I did not know what I had done wrong to deserve this. We had been to every local breast cancer walk. I had seen her walk down that survivor aisle dressed in pink from head to toe, with no hair on her head, but with a smile that you could see from miles away so many times. She had the look of determination and courage to beat this deadly disease.
After a few weeks of realizing that in order to move on I must remain strong I came up with a solution. If god had taken my godmother away I was going to continue to give those still fighting for their lives hope, courage, and determination to win the disease. I called the Susan G. Koman research center and asked how I could help in the upcoming Breast Cancer walk. They asked me if I was interested in being the leader for the "I AM THE CURE" program. This was a program designed to reach out to the community and let it be known that early detection is the key to survival. That included putting up flyers around the community, and handing out pamphlets at the upcoming Susan G. Koman walk. After 3 weeks of going around to schools, restaurants, and local businesses I had found 250 teenage volunteers willing to help out in the race.
The morning of the race we all arrived at Bay Side park at 5am, wearing bright green shirts that said "I AM THE CURE" on the front, and on the back were the words "Every Person, Every Where." This was to state that breast cancer has no boundaries, be it age, gender, socioeconomic status, or geographic location. Everyone is at risk. When the race began we handed out over 15,000 pamphlets, key chains, and T-shirts all stating the simple steps to early detection. During the survival ceremony I could not help but smile knowing that I had saved at least one person's life earlier that day. When the survivors began to walk I saw in every single woman's eyes that same strength Illiana O'Connor had up until her last day. It was that strength that got me out of bed one morning determined to make a difference."

Nice work. Your godmother would be very proud of you. The one thing that you could add to the essay is the application of each of the philosophies (or whichever one you think is most appropriate) to the essay. Which of these characteristics did your godmother display? Which one(s) did you rely on to get through this time?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Tthank you for your suggestions i actually decided to rewrite some of the beginning trying to incorporate what you suggested. Do you think it was a good decision or should i keep it how it was? I am also 31 words over do you have any suggestions on what i should cut out?

Florida State's guiding words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" which in Latin mean "Strength, Intellect, and Character" are all words other people and myself would use to describe me. The one that I can relate to best would have to be "Vires". Sometimes strength is found from falling down and building yourself back up. On September 12, 2006 I fell down, but I never wanted to get back up. This was the day my godmother died, and also the very day she was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 4. Through out the 5 years she battled breast cancer she never once complained. She was the women that walked down the street with a shinny bald head but had a smile on her face. On the day the doctor told her she had 6 months to live, she laughed because she knew she was stronger than that. The strength she has given is unexplainable. After watching years of her suffer but not hearing a single complaint I now know the true meaning of the Latin word "Vires". She has given me moral, physical, and intellectual strength that one cannot describe.
After attending numerous breast cancer walks with her I wanted to reach out to the community and spread that same strength she had given me to others still fighting. I called the Susan G. Koman research center and asked how I could help in the upcoming Breast Cancer walk. They asked me if I was interested in being the leader for all Dade County teenagers involved in the "I AM THE CURE" program. This was a program designed to reach out to the community and let it be known that early detection is the key to survival. That included putting up flyers around the community, and handing out pamphlets at the upcoming Susan G.Koman walk. At first I was hesitant I wasn't sure how I could possibly find time considering I had cheerleading practice, student council, and my academics to stay on top of. The next week I thought long and hard about whether I could handle it, I decided that if I stayed focused and organized I could defiantly find time. After 3 weeks of going around to local schools, restaurants, and businesses I found 250 teenage volunteers willing to help out in the race.
The morning of the race we all arrived at Bay Side Park at 5am, wearing bright green shirts that said "I AM THE CURE" on the front, and on the back were the words "Every Person, Every Where" This was to state that breast cancer has no boundaries, be it age, gender, socioeconomic status or geographic location. Everyone is at risk. When the race began we handed out over 15,000 pamphlets, key chains, and t-Shirts all stating the simple steps to early detection. During the survival ceremony I couldn't help but smile knowing that I had saved at least one person's life earlier that day. When the survivors began to walk I saw in every single woman's eyes that same strength Illiana O'Connor, my godmother, had up until her last day. It was that strength that got me out of bed that morning determined to make a difference.

Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"Florida State's guiding words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" which in Latin mean "Strength, Intellect, and Character" are all words other people and myself would use to describe me. The one that I can relate to best would have to be "Vires." Sometimes strength is found from falling down and building yourself back up. On September 12, 2006 I fell down, but I never wanted to get back up. This was the day my godmother died, and also the very day she was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 4. Throughout the 5 years she battled breast cancer she never once complained. She was the women that walked down the street with a shinny bald head but had a smile on her face. On the day the doctor told her she had 6 months to live, she laughed because she knew she was stronger than that. The strength she has given is unexplainable. After watching years of her suffer but not hearing a single complaint I now know the true meaning of the Latin word "Vires." She has given me moral, physical, and intellectual strength that one cannot describe.
After attending numerous breast cancer walks with her I wanted to reach out to the community and spread that same strength she had given me to others still fighting. I called the Susan G. Koman research center and asked how I could help in the upcoming Breast Cancer walk. They asked me if I was interested in being the leader for all Dade County teenagers involved in the "I AM THE CURE" program. This was a program designed to reach out to the community and let it be known that early detection is the key to survival. That included putting up flyers around the community, and handing out pamphlets at the upcoming Susan G.Koman walk. At first I was hesitant I was not sure how I could possibly find time considering I had cheerleading practice, student council, and my academics to stay on top of. The next week I thought long and hard about whether I could handle it, I decided that if I stayed focused and organized I could defiantly find time. After 3 weeks of going around to local schools, restaurants, and businesses I found 250 teenage volunteers willing to help out in the race.
The morning of the race we all arrived at Bay Side Park at 5am, wearing bright green shirts that said "I AM THE CURE" on the front, and on the back were the words "Every Person, Every Where." This was to state that breast cancer has no boundaries, be it age, gender, socioeconomic status or geographic location. Everyone is at risk. When the race began we handed out over 15,000 pamphlets, key chains, and t-shirts all stating the simple steps to early detection. During the survival ceremony I could not help but smile knowing that I had saved at least one person's life earlier that day. When the survivors began to walk I saw in every single woman's eyes that same strength Illiana O'Connor, my godmother, had up until her last day. It was that strength that got me out of bed that morning determined to make a difference."

Excellent! I really like your changes; they enhance the essay nicely. Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

thank you so much!!!
i will defiantly have more for you in the near future

You are very welcome.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

hi gloria im back =]] can you read this and let me know the grammar and changes i should make to it. i kind of feel that im more the narrator and need to add more about how it has affected me? do you feel the same way after reading it?

Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

REMOVED

Good afternoon.

"Although I consider myself a person of character and intellect, I feel there is an experience in my life that has given me a newfound strength. Sometimes strength is found from falling down and building yourself back up; on September twelfth I fell down, but I never wanted to get back up. This was the day my godmother died, and ironically, the same day she was diagnosed five years earlier with breast cancer. Throughout the five years she battled breast cancer she never once complained. She was the woman that walked down the survivor aisle at every local breast cancer walk, with no hair on her head but a smile you could see for miles. She laughed the day the doctors told her she had six months to live, knowing she was stronger than that. After watching her suffer for years, but not hearing a single complaint, I now know the true meaning of the Latin word "Vires." She has given me an ineffable amount of moral, physical, and intellectual strength that will last me the rest of my life.
After accompanying her on numerous breast cancer walks, I wanted to reach out to other fighters of breast cancer, to spread that same strength she has given me to those still battling this disease. I contacted the Susan G. Koman Research Center to see how I could become more involved. They asked me if I was interested in being the leader for all Dade County teenagers in the "I AM THE CURE" program. This was a program designed to reach out to the community and let it be known that early detection is the key to survival. As the leader it was my job to raise awareness and advertise the walk around the community. At first I was hesitant, as I thought about my other responsibilities; cheerleading practice, student council, and my academics. I decided that if I stayed focused and organized I could definitely find time. After three weeks of going around to local schools, restaurants, and businesses, I found 250 teenage volunteers willing to help out in the race.
The morning of the race we all arrived at Bay Side Park at five. By the time the race began there were over 20,000 people, seeing those 250 lime green shirts displaying "I AM THE CURE" on the front, stand out in the sea of pink I felt honored knowing I brought them there and together we made a difference. When the race had ended we handed out over 15,000 pamphlets, key chains, and t-shirts all stating the simple steps to early detection. During the survival ceremony I could not help but smile knowing that I had saved at least one person's life earlier that day. When the survivors began to walk I saw in every single woman's eyes that same strength Illiana O'Connor, my godmother, had up until her last day. It was that strength that got me out of bed that morning determined to make a difference."

Nice job. I like the changes and think it is a stronger essay now. It is more streamlined.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

thank you so much!! =]

You're very welcome!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

im hoping this will be my final one =]] please check for any grammar mistakes
THANK YOU!

Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Although I consider myself a person of character and intellect, I feel there is an experience in my life that has given me a newfound strength. Sometimes strength is found from falling down and building yourself back up; on September twelfth I fell down, but I never wanted to get back up. This was the day my godmother died, and ironically, the same day she was diagnosed five years earlier with breast cancer. Throughout the five years she battled breast cancer she never once complained. She was the woman that walked down the survivor aisle at every local breast cancer walk, with no hair on her head but a smile you could see for miles. She laughed the day the doctors told her she had six months to live, knowing she was stronger than that. After watching her suffer for years, but not hearing a single complaint, I now know the true meaning of the Latin word "Vires." She has given me an ineffable amount of moral, physical, and intellectual strength that has shaped who I have become; a better leader, a more determined person, and an inspirer. (do any of these 3 things mean the same thing?)[b][/b]
After accompanying her on numerous breast cancer walks, I wanted to reach out to other fighters of breast cancer, to spread that same strength she has given me to those still battling this disease. I contacted the Susan G. Koman Research Center to see how I could become more involved. They choose me to be the leader for all Dade County teenagers in the "I AM THE CURE" program. This was a program designed to reach out to the community and let it be known that early detection is the key to survival. As the leader it was my job to raise awareness and advertise the walk around the community. At first I was hesitant, as I thought about my other responsibilities; my academics, student council, and cheerleading practice. I decided that if I stayed focused and organized I could definitely find time. After three weeks of going around to local schools, restaurants, and businesses, I found two hundred and fifty teenage volunteers willing to help out in the race.
The morning of the race we all arrived at Bay Side Park at five. By the time the race began there were over twenty thousand people, seeing those two hundred and fifty lime green shirts displaying "I AM THE CURE" on the front, standing out in the sea of pink, I felt honored knowing I brought them there and together we made a difference. When the race had ended we handed out over fifteen thousand pamphlets, key chains, and t-shirts all stating the simple steps to early detection. During the survival ceremony I could not help but smile knowing that I had saved at least one person's life earlier that day. When the survivors began to walk I saw in every single woman's eyes that same strength Illiana O'Connor, my godmother, had up until her last day. It was that strength that got me out of bed that morning determined to make a difference.

Good afternoon.

Here are my thoughts:

"Although I consider myself a person of character and intellect, I feel there is an experience in my life that has given me a newfound strength. Sometimes strength is found from falling down and building yourself back up; on September twelfth I fell down, but I never wanted to get back up. This was the day my godmother died, and ironically, the same day she was diagnosed five years earlier with breast cancer. Throughout the five years she battled breast cancer she never once complained. She was the woman that walked down the survivor aisle at every local breast cancer walk, with no hair on her head but a smile you could see for miles. She laughed the day the doctors told her she had six months to live, knowing she was stronger than that. After watching her suffer for years, but not hearing a single complaint, I now know the true meaning of the Latin word "Vires." She has given me an ineffable amount of moral, physical, and intellectual strength that has shaped who I have become; a better leader, a more determined person, and an inspirer. No: determined means being set to do or think something, a better leader is just that, and another word for "inspirer" is one who provokes or an activator.
After accompanying her on numerous breast cancer walks, I wanted to reach out to other fighters of breast cancer, to spread that same strength she has given me to those still battling this disease. I contacted the Susan G. Koman Research Center to see how I could become more involved. They choose me to be the leader for all Dade County teenagers in the "I AM THE CURE" program. This was a program designed to reach out to the community and let it be known that early detection is the key to survival. As the leader it was my job to raise awareness and advertise the walk around the community. At first I was hesitant, as I thought about my other responsibilities; my academics, student council, and cheerleading practice. I decided that if I stayed focused and organized I could definitely find time. After three weeks of going around to local schools, restaurants, and businesses, I found two hundred and fifty teenage volunteers willing to help out in the race.
The morning of the race we all arrived at Bay Side Park at five. By the time the race began there were over twenty thousand people, seeing those two hundred and fifty lime green shirts displaying "I AM THE CURE" on the front, standing out in the sea of pink, I felt honored knowing I brought them there and together we made a difference. When the race had ended we handed out over fifteen thousand pamphlets, key chains, and t-shirts all stating the simple steps to early detection. During the survival ceremony I could not help but smile knowing that I had saved at least one person's life earlier that day. When the survivors began to walk I saw in every single woman's eyes that same strength Illiana O'Connor, my godmother, had up until her last day. It was that strength that got me out of bed that morning determined to make a difference."

Nice job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

once again im back=]]
please tell me if this even makes sense to the topic. and if i should get rid of any of the paragraphs. THANK YOU AGAIN!

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

A Cheerleader – known as a snobby girl who is usually self-centered and typically not intelligent.

As a cheerleader I can defend the overuse cliché of what being a cheerleader really is. A cheerleader is someone who is determined to succeed, someone who is school spirited, and someone who is underestimated in almost anything they do.

Cheerleading is the sport I love and the sport that has driven me to be successful in life. I have proven the expectations of many wrong. I am currently the Vice President of Student council to one of the best comprehensive high schools in Florida, I have lead over 250 teenage volunteers to helping find a cure for breast cancer, and I am ranked in the 20th percentile of my class.

Over the past 8 years I have spent 5 days a week in a gym that most would consider a "joke". The constant reprimands and high expectation from coaches and team members has taught me how deal with failure. Failure a word that is not an option in this sport, my coaches have made it clear to me if you are determined in what you do you will succeed. These last 8 years have all been pivotal moments in my life in which has helped me mature greatly. At the tender age of 13 I was not at home playing with my polly pockets I was in a gym striving to become the best I could be, knowing I was being depended on by 35 other girls. I learned at a young age the diction of the word responsibility through this sport—finishing homework before practice, showing up on time, and communicating with my coaches.

My willpower to succeed is shown through my junior year of high school. During a practice I landed wrong and ended up in the hospital with a torn ACL. The thoughts of giving up the sport seemed the easiest way out. I wouldn't have to continue physical therapy, or worry about the fear of not being able to get back my skills. Fortunately this thought was overcome by my determination to never give up. I knew there were 35 other girls on the team and each one of else had overcome pain, failure, and weaknesses to have built a sense of trust amongst us.

After 6 months of daily physical therapy and proving to myself and my team members I had more strength then I did prior to my injury only brought more unity to the team. Our perseverance pushed us to become the best we could be as a whole. This sense of friendship lead us to be ranked 8th in the nation. Growing up as a cheerleader I know I can accomplish anything I aspire to do, the scars on my knee are constant reminders of my determination to succeed, determination that can only contribute to my future and to the University Of Florida.

A cheerleader- one who never gives up no matter how near or far the end may seem, one who is not afraid, and one who pursues what they believe in, the one who will succeed.

Good evening.

Mechanically, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences, and that your punctuation is always enclosed in punctuation marks when using them. Avoid using the pronoun "you" as it is inappropriate in formal academic writing; instead, trying using "I" or "one." When using numbers, the general rule is that if it is ten or under, write the number out; if it is 11 or over, use the numerals. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing as well; it is inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.
In regards to content, you've got good reasons in the essay, but they need to be associated more closely with the UF campus and community. How will you use these positive characteristics to contribute to this institution? Also, your closing is very nice.
Keep up the good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

hi again :)
this is my UF essay i feel that it is an extremely baby formatted essay ? do you feel the same way?
p.s i got in UCF thank you for all your help!

A Cheerleader – often seen as a snobby girl who is usually self-centered and typically not intelligent.

As a cheerleader I can defend the overused cliché of what being a cheerleader really is. A cheerleader can be someone who is determined to succeed, someone who is school spirited, and someone who is underestimated in almost anything they do.
Cheerleading is the sport I love and the sport that has driven me to be successful in life.

I am currently the Vice President of Student Council at one of the best comprehensive high schools in the State of Florida. I have lead over 250 teenage volunteers in helping to find a cure for breast cancer, I am ranked in the 20th percentile of my senior class, and I am a cheerleader!

Over the past eight years I have spent 5 days a week in a gym that most would consider a "joke". However, the constant reprimands and high expectations from coaches and team members has taught me how deal with failure. My coaches have made it clear to me that if one is determined, one will succeed. These last eight years have all been pivotal moments in my life and have helped me mature greatly.

My will to succeed was tested in my junior year. During a practice I landed wrong and ended up in the hospital with a torn ACL. The morning of my surgery a lady in a Dr. Seuss nurse scrub came to my bed and introduced herself as an anesthesiologist. This in reality meant nothing to me. She began asking me questions such as what I was allergic to and if I had ever had surgery before. I soon became fascinated. I began asking her questions instead of answering the ones she was asking me. I learned that being an anesthesiologist was someone who anesthetizes a person prior to surgery, in order to reduce the pain. From the moment this woman began to talk I felt a sense of passion of what I soon wanted to become.

After 6 months of daily physical therapy and after proving to myself and to my team members that I had more strength than I did prior to my injury, I brought more unity to our team. Our perseverance pushed us to become the best we could be as a whole. This sense of friendship lead us to be ranked 8th in the nation. Growing up as a cheerleader I know I can accomplish anything I aspire to do; the scars on my knee are constant reminders of my determination to succeed, determination that can only contribute to my future and to the University Of Florida.

A Cheerleader- one who never gives up no matter how near or far the end may seem, one who is not afraid, and one who pursues what they believe in, the one who will succeed.

Congratulations!

A few things on this piece. First, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. As such, "Vice President" and "State" shouldn't be capitalized.

Make sure your punctuation is always included inside your quotation marks. For instance, "joke". should be "joke."

Please see your previous posts as to the treatment of numerals in writing.

Nice opening and closing. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com