"How these values are reflected in your life" - college application essay

My English homework assignment is to write a College Application Essay to a college that you're planning to apply to... suggestions and comments will be greatly appreciated!

I chose Florida State University:

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

My Essay:

"Were you born here?" Abashment slapped me right in the face as I struggled to sputter out a reply. Coyness permitted me to only manage a nod, though I greatly desired to explain to my classmate that, despite my pale appearance, I have never even left the islands.

My classmate's inquiry did not aid the apprehension that had plagued me since I signed up for the class as I knew fully well this was going to be out of my comfort zone, that I would be away from well-known classmates and friends, and would most likely stick out like a sore thumb. Uneasiness sloshed about in my stomach as I sat in my seat, feeling severely out of place: the first day of Hula class was pure agony.

I longed to quit... to transfer to another class where I could bury my face in a textbook, to blend in and stay out of sight. As these anxieties continued to haunt me for the next few weeks, my thirst to learn lent me strength to suppress my apprehension enough for me to make it through each class.

The torment was worth it. My regret for enrolling in the class transformed into appreciation for the experiences and friendships that it gave to me. But most importantly, it gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that I possess the courage and drive to try new things, as daunting as they may seem.

Good morning.

Here are my suggestions:

""Were you born here?" Abashment slapped me right in the face as I struggled to sputter out a reply. Coyness permitted me to only manage a nod, though I greatly desired to explain to my classmate that, despite my pale appearance, I have never even left the islands.

My classmate's inquiry did not aid the apprehension that had plagued me since I signed up for the class as I knew fully well this was going to be out of my comfort zone. That I would be away from well-known classmates and friends, that I would most likely stick out like a sore thumb. Uneasiness sloshed about in my stomach as I sat in my seat, feeling severely out of place: the first day of Hula class was pure agony.

I longed to quit...to transfer to another class where I could bury my face in a textbook, to blend in and stay out of sight. As these anxieties continued to haunt me for the next few weeks, but my thirst to learn lent me the strength to suppress my apprehension enough for me to make it through each class.

The torment was worth it. My regret for enrolling in the class transformed into appreciation for the experiences and friendships that it gave to me. But most importantly, it gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that I possess the courage and drive to try new things, as daunting as they may seem."

Good job! You've got a clean essay here with only a few mistakes. Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank you!

You are very welcome!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com