Dblak99
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 3, 08
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Hello there. I am writing an essay for my MIT application and decided to post it up for some editing and to see whether it is good. Please tell me, if it is not up to MITs standard.
Tell us about an experience which at the time really felt like the end of the world ... but had it not happened , you would not be who you are today . Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative.(word limit 500)
I regarded an end of the world as a very unfortunate experience I hope I am on the right track, because I am scared I deviated. Also, my essay has I think between 510 and 516 words . Thus,I would appreciate it if you could remove parts which arent that important so that I can get below the 500 word limit.
I have never posted an essay before and this is my first time. I would like you to look especially at my tenses, punctuation, and vocabulary. If there is any part of my essay that can be put in a better way please dont hesitate to do so. I am not that confident of this essay so if it is not good enough please tell me.
Anxious and fidgety, I rolled on the bed the whole night. After months of rigorous studying, I was finally going to take the SAT.
When I arrived at the center the following morning, the proctors had already started inspecting passports. When it was my turn, I confidently handed the proctor my passport and admission ticket. He asked, "Name?". "Kwame Tawia" I responded."What". "Kwa..ame Ta..wia", I reiterated".I am sorry youngman, you cannot take the test today. You will have to wait till May"."Why'', I asked. The name on your ticket is inconsistent with that on your passport. Apparently, my father had registered me with a name I no longer used. I tried covincing him that I was the same person, but it was to no avail. at this point, all attention was on me. Sullen-faced, I winced at the background stares and hurried my feet out the gate.
Not writing the test that day meant I had to apply for the next academic year. I was going to spend a year out of school. My relatives told me to forget about the whole thing. I was in a quandary whether to go ahead or forget it. Noticing how distraught I was, my mom tried to console me. As we conversed, two statements she made struck a chord in me. The first was a popular saying in my local Ewe dialect which in English reads, "Everything that happens in life is good". I thought it ws very cruel of her to say this at that moment. Instead of her saying something to soothe my sadness, she was rather mocking me. The second was part of a quote by Enrico Fermi,"Whatever Nature has in store unpleasnt as it may be, men must accept it". I recognized it because it was my favourite quote. The latter transformed my anguish into determination. I decided to continue with the process.
After three long months, I took the test. A month later I checked my scores and whoa! I breathed a sigh of relief. My scores were okay; they were good. I thought of the things that had happened in retrospect. Most of my friends who had taken the test three months earlier came out with scores that were abysmal. I could have been in their shoes."Was my experience nature's way of helping me?"I thought. It all made perfect sense now. Laughing really hard, I ran to give my mother the good news. "Mom! Everything that happens in life is good", I yelled.
If there is one thing this experience taught me, then it is that nature has great plans for everyone. However, those who impetuously give up after seeing one signpost of failure miss this opportunity. Some months ago, I would have been very upset if anything unfortunate happened to me. Today, I am not at all perturbed when things seem to go wrong in my life, because I know everything that happens in life is good.
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EF_Team5
 Moderator
Posts: 2445
Joined: Apr 22, 08
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Good morning.
Here are my suggestions:
"Anxious and fidgety, I rolled around in bed the whole nightbefore; after months of rigorous studying, I was finally going to take the SAT. I was worried because I was scared of failure; I cringed at the slightest sign that things would not go smoothly.
When I arrived at the center that morning, the proctors had already started inspecting passports. When it was my turn, I confidently handed the proctor my passport and admission ticket. He asked, "Name?"
"Kwame Tawia" I responded.
"What?"
"Kwa..ame Ta..wia" I reiterated.
"I am sorry young man; you cannot take the test today. You will have to wait till May."
"Why?'' I asked.
"The name on your ticket is inconsistent with that on your passport."
Apparently, my father had registered me with a name I no longer used. I tried convincing him that I was the same person, but to no avail. At this point, all attention was on me; people were watching the scene unfolding. Sullen-faced, I winced at the background stares and hurried my feet out the gate.
Not taking the test that day meant I had to apply for the next academic year. I was going to spend an entire year out of school. My relatives told me to forget about the whole thing. I was in a quandary as to whether I should persevere, or forget it. Noticing how distraught I was, my mom tried to console me. As we conversed, two statements she made struck a chord in me. The first was a popular saying in my local Ewe dialect which in English reads, "Everything that happens in life is good". I thought it was very cruel of her to say this at that moment; instead of her saying something to soothe my sadness, she was mocking me. The second was part of a quote by Enrico Fermi, "Whatever Nature has in store, unpleasant as it may be, men must accept it". I recognized it because it was my favourite quote. The latter transformed my anguish into determination; I decided to continue with the process.
After three long months, I finally took the test. A month later I checked my scores and breathed a sigh of relief. My scores were more than just okay; they were good. I thought of the things that had happened in retrospect; most of my friends who had taken the test three months earlier came out with scores that were abysmal. I could have been in their shoes. "Was my experience nature's way of helping me?" I thought. It all made perfect sense now. Laughing really hard, I ran to give my mother the good news. "Mom! Everything that happens in life is good!" I yelled.
If there is one thing this experience taught me, it is that Nature (Because you capitalized it earlier.) has great plans for everyone. However, those who impetuously give up after seeing one signpost of obstruction miss opportunities. Some months ago, I would have been very upset if anything unfortunate happened to me. Today, I am not at all perturbed when things seem to go wrong in my life, because I know everything that happens in life is good."
Very nice; the ending is excellent. You tie up the thesis of your paper (that everything that happens is good, even if we don't see it immediately) at the end. You stay with that idea throughout your paper, and continually reference to it from the middle to the end. At the beginning, you should add something to this effect, because it is a little lacking. The sentence I added at the beginning is an idea of something at the start that would hint at what was to come; you can keep it as is or change it, whatever you like.
You started out at 419 words, so you are not at the 500 word limit initially. At the end of my corrections, your word count is 500. Here is the way I edited for word count:
Anxious and fidgety, I rolled around in bed the whole night before; after months of rigorous studying, I was finally going to take the SAT. I was worried because I was scared of failure; I cringed at the slightest sign that things would not go smoothly.
When I arrived at the center that morning, the proctors had already started inspecting passports. When it was my turn, I confidently handed the proctor my passport and admission ticket. He asked, "Name?"
"Kwame Tawia" I responded.
"What?"
"Kwa..ame Ta..wia" I reiterated.
"I am sorry young man; you cannot take the test today. You will have to wait till May."
"Why?'' I asked.
"The name on your ticket is inconsistent with that on your passport."
Apparently, my father had registered me with a name I no longer used. I tried convincing him that I was the same person, but to no avail. Sullenly, I winced at the stares and hurried my feet out the gate.
Not taking the test that day meant I had to apply for the next academic year. I was going to spend an entire year out of school. My relatives told me to forget about the whole thing. I was in a quandary as to whether I should persevere, or forget it. Noticing how distraught I was, my mom tried to console me. As we conversed, two statements she made struck a chord in me. The first was a popular saying in my local Ewe dialect which in English reads, "Everything that happens in life is good". I thought it was very cruel of her to say this at that moment; instead of her saying something to soothe my sadness, she was mocking me. The second was part of a quote by Enrico Fermi, "Whatever Nature has in store, unpleasant as it may be, men must accept it". I recognized it because it was my favourite quote. The latter transformed my anguish into determination; I decided to continue with the process.
After three long months, I finally took the test. When I checked my scores, they were more than just okay; they were good. I thought of the things that had happened in retrospect; most of my friends who had taken the test three months earlier came out with scores that were abysmal. I could have been in their shoes. "Was my experience nature's way of helping me?" I thought. It all made perfect sense now. Laughing really hard, I ran to give my mother the good news. "Mom! Everything that happens in life is good" I yelled.
If there is one thing this experience taught me, it is that Nature has great plans for everyone; those who impetuously give up after seeing one signpost of obstruction miss opportunities. Some months ago, I would have been very upset if anything unfortunate happened to me. Today, I am not at all perturbed when things seem to go wrong in my life, because I know everything that happens in life is good."
I hope this helps you.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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