Reprieve
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 28, 08
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Edited by: Moderator
May 28, 08, 07:34pm ¦ #1
I kind of rushed this, so hopefully it's decent. I'll thank anyone ahead of time for reading this and hope I can get some helpful suggestions.
The prompt is:
~*Describe the world you come from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations*~
As a young child with my father in the military, an inevitable aspect of life was frequent
reassignments around the country. Bouncing from state to state, I often encountered many
new places and met numerous friends, much contributing to experiences I will never
forget. Providing influence equally from hardships and unforgettable memories, it was this
cycle that shaped the foundations for the person I grew up to be present day; a life
centered around intellectual growth, calling for independence, responsibility, and
self-motivation.
A primary consequence of often restationing was the effect upon having friends. Initially,
it was always rare to come across nearby kids my own age while in military housing, often
leaving me either alone or in the company of solely my family while at home.
Furthermore, the few friendships that had grown were short-lived, lasting a year or two at
best as a result of myself moving; and in addition, my friends being in the same situation
were the ones to leave if not myself. Though it was always hard to say goodbye,
friendships were very close and meaningful, etching in me everlasting memories with
some of the best friends I have ever had. Moreover, I also took on the beneficial trait of an
independent nature in which I became accustomed to problem solving and more
self-sufficient.
Another major impact resulting from routine relocations was the fragmenting of my
primary education years throughout no less than half a dozen schools. As a result, initially
the first few years of school progressed with hardship. Sometimes overnight I may find
myself in another classroom, demanding frequent changes in the pace of learning. From
this rapid shift in environments and multiple experiences, I developed a powerful quality
of flexibility and adaptability, soon allowing my full potential to begin to be extracted
from school.
As I adjusted to school, almost naturally I became remarkably attached to it. For one,
whereas at home friends were scarce, at school I was always surrounded by other kids my
own age which for me was significant. While able to make many friends and interact with
others, I always enjoyed myself most at school, and more importantly, grew highly
competitive, striving to achieve above the average. With school becoming the place I
enjoyed attending the most, excitement for learning followed, leading me to challenge
myself to pursue advanced GATE classes, reading programs, and even computer design
early on in elementary. Overall, the premature momentum in elementary school, purely
driven by self-motivated goals, contrived personal expectations for achievement,
launching the drive for academic success that would carry me through junior high, and
sustain me up to this point in high school.
Altogether, though at times proving tough, unavoidable circumstances throughout my early
childhood situation attributed to my character and favorable scholarly tendencies that
contribute to success in the present. With my high school experience nearing an end, I now
look to continue to utilize my full potential as I transcend to new heights in a University,
paving the way for unlimited possibilities for my future.
~~Thanks for reading, and any input!~~
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EF_Team5
 Moderator
Posts: 2439
Joined: Apr 22, 08
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Good morning!
You have got a really good rough draft here. These are my suggestions:
"As a young child with my father in the military, an inevitable aspect of life was frequent reassignments around the country. Bouncing from state to state, I often encountered many new places and met numerous friends, much contributing to experiences I will never forget (Let's go ahead and rewrite this; it's a little wordy: "most of which contributed to experiences I will never forget.") . Providing influence equally from hardships and unforgettable memories, it was this cycle that shaped the foundations for the person I grew up to be; one with a life centered around intellectual growth and calling for independence, responsibility, and self-motivation.
A primary consequence of often re-stationing was the effect of not having many friends. Initially, it was rare to come across nearby kids my own age while in military housing, often leaving me either alone or in the company solely of my family while at home. Furthermore, the few friendships that had grown were short-lived, lasting a year or two at best as a result of myself moving or alternately, my friends moving due to them being in the same situation as myself. Though it was always hard to say goodbye, those friendships were very close and meaningful, etching in me everlasting memories with some of the best friends I have ever had. Moreover, I also took on the beneficial trait of independence, which made me adept at problem solving and being self-sufficient.
Another major impact resulting from routine relocations was the fragmenting of my primary education years throughout no less than half a dozen schools. As a result, initially the first few years of school progressed with hardship. Sometimes overnight I found myself in another classroom, oftentimes demanding frequent changes in the pace of learning. From multiple experiences of rapidly shifting classroom environments, I developed flexibility and adaptability, soon allowing my full potential to begin to be extracted from school.
As I adjusted to school, almost naturally I became remarkably attached to it. For one, whereas at home friends were scarce, at school I was always surrounded by other kids my own age which for me was significant. While able to make many friends and interact with others, I always enjoyed myself most at school ; and more importantly, grew highly competitive, striving to achieve above the average. With school quickly becoming the place I enjoyed attending the most, excitement for learning followed, leading me to challenge myself to pursue advanced GATE classes, reading programs, and even computer design early on in elementary school. Overall, this premature momentum in elementary school, which was purely driven by self-motivated goals, contrived personal expectations for achievement, launching the drive for academic success that would carry me through junior high and sustain me up to this point in high school.
Altogether, though at times proving tough, unavoidable circumstances throughout my early childhood attributed to my character and favorable scholarly tendencies that contribute to my present success. With my high school experience nearing an end, I now look to continue to unlock my full potential as I transcend to new heights in a University, paving the way for unlimited possibilities for my future."
Good job!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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Reprieve
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 28, 08
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Edited by: Reprieve
May 30, 08, 05:08pm ¦ #3
Thanks, you cleared up a lot of wording I found questionable myself, and the essay flows so much better now.
Incredible revision, love you Gloria!
~Reprieve
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