bodeolagunju1
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Posts: 7
Joined: May 3, 08
Ref.#: 6336
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Edited by: Moderator
May 3, 08, 08:23pm ¦ #1
Sir, kindly help edit this .it should be around 500 words.Thanks.
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EF_Team5
 Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6343
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Good morning!
It looks as if this essay is an entrance essay to a particular school. If this is so, don't waste your word count explaining to them something that they already know. Instead, spend it talking about you; your dreams, your goals, what you are going to do with the education they give you. Out of your 241 words, you only spend 61 of them talking about you. The prompt they want you to answer is specifically why do you want to study public health and how it fits into your career. Sometimes it is difficult for us to talk about ourselves, but here it is absolutely necessary; they want to know what kind of a student you are, what you are currently doing, how you got to this position, how hard you will work if you get in, and what your plans for the future are.
Spend your valuable words talking about you, rather than giving an ineffective history lesson to those who do not need it.
Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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bodeolagunju1
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 3, 08
Ref.#: 6372
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Edited by: Moderator
May 5, 08, 01:57am ¦ #3
MSc in PUBLIC HEALTH
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EF_Team5
Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6382
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This is much better; now the person reading your essay knows a bit more about you and your background. This is important to someone who is deciding who will or will not get into a university; the regents do not want to take individuals who are not serious about their education or who are not going to use it to change the world when they are done.
I would still suggest cutting out the beginning introduction describing what the field is; the judges already know this. I would again spend more time giving more examples and descriptions of yourself and your experiences. You say that you have experience both government, private, and mission hospitals. Perhaps detail what you have done at these places; this will ensure that they know you have relevant experience that could contribute to the education of your peers. Perhaps explain what it is exactly you wish to gain by attending this particular school; do you have one specialized area you are interested in? If so, detail it in this essay. This is your one and only change to make yourself stand out as the most qualified student for admission; use it to its full extent.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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bodeolagunju1
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 3, 08
Ref.#: 6387
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Edited by: Moderator
May 5, 08, 05:34pm ¦ #5
MSc in PUBLIC HEALTH
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EF_Team5
Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6391
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Good evening!
OK, there are a few mechanical corrections. Here are my suggestions:
"The factors that affect the health of the general population have to do with the basic health practices and daily living habits of the whole people.
Some of the factors include population food supply programmes, assess to a clean and adequate water supply, save (Change to "safe".) drugs, easy assess (Change to "access".) to hospitals and prompt treatment of epidemics, a good waste disposal system, and (Remove) maternal and child health & (Use the word "and"; never use symbols such as this in academic work.) hygienic living.
One needs to consider the health of the population in terms of non communicable diseases such as hypertension, diabetes mellitus, sickle cell disease, asthma and other disease entities that are seen to be common place but we in this part of the world have not come to be able to sufficiently deal with or manage these entities effectively with minimal affectation of the health status of the people as a population. This is one huge run-on; break it up and place a period after "commonplace" (which should be one word); remove "but" and capitalize "we".)
The ways to go about managing the above diseases and problems generally is the main concern of public health practitioners.
I submit that the knowledge gathered from the training in public health in an institution like yours will broaden my views and knowledge further and give me an edge in taking decisions that will be beneficial to all concerned.
I am prepared to work well and gain further knowledge in order to be useful to my society and country in this aspect.
I have been out of school for over a number of years practising in both government, private and mission hospital establishments. In all these places, I have discharged my duties with all diligence. I have experiences in other areas of medical practice too, such as diagnostic medicine, (Remove and insert "and". ultrasonography etc (Do not use this abbreviation in academic writing. Put a period here and end your sentence.) .
I had a good training in school and I will always be able to fit in into any academic establishment or training. Rewrite this sentence to something such as, "As a result of my excellent training in school, I am able to fit into any academic institution or training program successfully.)
I am a person interested in working long hours buried in works and books.
I am an affable, diligent, lovely person and has (Change to "have".) no dull moments.
Learning is easy for me as I am very inquisitive and practical in my approach to things.
I have had experiences as a medical practitioner in a tropical environment all the while I have been out of school, (Change this to a period; begin a new sentence after this.) I believe these experiences could be passed on to course-mates who live in a (Remove) developed environments. I have been involved in the treatment of public health diseases like onchocerciasis, helminthiasis, dracunculus medinensis and a variety of protein energy malnutrition like kwashiorkor and the likes (Change to "like".) .
I know my experiences would be useful to my classmates and even the teachers.
My experiences in the various hospitals that I have been too (Change to "to".) will come in handy for me. Surgeries like appendicectomies, herniorrhaphies, ceasarian sections and the treatment of medical illnesses e.g (Refrain from using abbrecviations like this in academic works.) tetanus, hypertension, diabettes (Spelling-"diabetes".) and the likes (Change to "like".) .
I believe I would be useful to the MSc public health class.
I am married though I don't have children yet.
Thanks and God bless."
Good job! I wish you luck in your application!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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bodeolagunju1
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 3, 08
Ref.#: 6407
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Edited by: Moderator
May 6, 08, 04:52pm ¦ #7
Good evening!
OK, there are a few mechanical corrections. Here are my suggestions:
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EF_Team5
Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6414
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Good evening!
Make sure you are removing my comments or correcting them with each draft.
"...school for over (Remove) a number..."
"...practising (Spelling-"practicing") in both (Remove since you are listing three items, not two.) government..."
"I know my experiences would be useful to my classmates and even the teachers." How?
"My experiences in the various hospitals that I have been to will come in handy for me. Surgeries like appendicectomies, herniorrhaphies, ceasarian sections and the treatment of medical illnesses like tetanus, hypertension and diabetes." Why will this come in handy for you?
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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bodeolagunju1
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 3, 08
Ref.#: 6420
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Edited by: Moderator
May 7, 08, 01:49am ¦ #9
Good evening!
OK, there are a few mechanical corrections. Here are my suggestions:
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EF_Team5
Moderator
Posts: 125
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6414
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EF_Team5
Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6422
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Good morning!
"As a result of my excellent training in school, I am able to fit into any academic institution or training program successfully.)
Make sure you are either removing or correcting my changes. Remove the quotation mark and ellipse here.
"helminthiasis, dracunculus medinensis, and a variety of protein energy malnutrition like kwashiorkor,space marasmus, malaria typhoid enteritis, and the like."
"...lived till now..." (Change this "till" to "until".)
"...in mine environment..." Change "mine" to "my" and add a period afterwwards.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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bodeolagunju1
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 3, 08
Ref.#: 6433
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Good evening!
OK, there are a few mechanical corrections. Here are my suggestions:
Good evening!
OK, there are a few mechanical corrections. Here are my suggestions:
"The factors that affect the health of the general population have to do with the basic health practices and daily living habits of the whole people.
Some of the factors include population food supply programmes, assess to a clean and adequate water supply, safe drugs, easy access to hospitals and prompt treatment of epidemics, a good waste disposal system, maternal and child health and hygienic living.
One needs to consider the health of the population in terms of non-communicable diseases such as hypertension, diabetes mellitus, sickle cell disease, asthma and other disease entities that are seen to be commonplace. We in this part of the world have not come to be able to sufficiently deal with or manage these entities effectively with minimal affectation of the health status of the people as a population.
The ways to go about managing the above diseases and problems generally are the main concern of public health practitioners.
I submit that the knowledge gathered from the training in public health in an institution like yours will broaden my views and knowledge further and give me an edge in taking decisions that will be beneficial to all concerned.
I am prepared to work well and gain further knowledge in order to be useful to my society and country in this aspect.
I have been out of school for a number of years practising in government, private and mission hospital establishments. In all these places, I have discharged my duties with all diligence. I have experiences in other areas of medical practice too, such as diagnostic medicine and ultrasonography.
I had a good training in school and I will always be able to fit in into any academic establishment or training. Rewrite this sentence to something such as, "As a result of my excellent training in school, I am able to fit into any academic institution or training program successfully.)
I am a person interested in working long hours buried in works and books.
I am an affable, diligent, lovely person and have no dull moments.
Learning is easy for me as I am very inquisitive and practical in my approach to things.
I have had experiences as a medical practitioner in a tropical environment all the while I have been out of school. I believe these experiences could be passed on to course-mates who live in developed environments. I have been involved in the treatment of public health diseases like onchocerciasis, helminthiasis, dracunculus medinensis and a variety of protein energy malnutrition like kwashiorkor,marasmus, malaria typhoid enteritis and the like.
I know my experiences would be useful to my classmates and even the teachers because I have the experiences first-hand having lived till now a in tropical environment.
My experiences in the various hospitals that I have been to will
Good evening!
OK, there are a few mechanical corrections. Here are my suggestions:
"The factors that affect the health of the general population have to do with the basic health practices and daily living habits of the whole people.
Some of the factors include population food supply programmes, assess to a clean and adequate water supply, safe drugs, easy access to hospitals and prompt treatment of epidemics, a good waste disposal system, maternal and child health and hygienic living.
One needs to consider the health of the population in terms of non-communicable diseases such as hypertension, diabetes mellitus, sickle cell disease, asthma and other disease entities that are seen to be commonplace. We in this part of the world have not come to be able to sufficiently deal with or manage these entities effectively with minimal affectation of the health status of the people as a population.
The ways to go about managing the above diseases and problems generally are the main concern of public health practitioners.
I submit that the knowledge gathered from the training in public health in an institution like yours will broaden my views and knowledge further and give me an edge in taking decisions that will be beneficial to all concerned.
I am prepared to work well and gain further knowledge in order to be useful to my society and country in this aspect.
I have been out of school for a number of years practising in government, private and mission hospital establishments. In all these places, I have discharged my duties with all diligence. I have experiences in other areas of medical practice too, such as diagnostic medicine and ultrasonography.
I had a good training in school and I will always be able to fit in into any academic establishment or training. Rewrite this sentence to something such as, "As a result of my excellent training in school, I am able to fit into any academic institution or training program successfully.)
I am a person interested in working long hours buried in works and books.
I am an affable, diligent, lovely person and have no dull moments.
Learning is easy for me as I am very inquisitive and practical in my approach to things.
I have had experiences as a medical practitioner in a tropical environment all the while I have been out of school. I believe these experiences could be passed on to course-mates who live in developed environments. I have been involved in the treatment of public health diseases like onchocerciasis, helminthiasis, dracunculus medinensis and a variety of protein energy malnutrition like kwashiorkor,marasmus, malaria typhoid enteritis and the like.
I know my experiences would be useful to my classmates and even the teachers because I have the experiences first-hand having lived till now a in tropical environment.
My experiences in the various hospitals that I have been to will come in handy for me as I have experiences in surgeries like appendicectomies, herniorrhaphies, ceasarian sections and the treatment of medical illnesses like tetanus, hypertension and diabetes and I can compare what is done in my environment with what my classmates do in their own environment which may obviously be more advanced than in mine environment
I believe I would be useful to the MSc public health class.
I am married though I don't have children yet.
Thanks and God bless.
come in handy for me as I have experiences in surgeries like appendicectomies, herniorrhaphies, ceasarian sections and the treatment of medical illnesses like tetanus, hypertension and diabetes and I can compare what is done in my environment with what my classmates do in their own environment which may obviously be more advanced than in mine environment
I believe I would be useful to the MSc public health class.
I am married though I don't have children yet.
Thanks and God bless.
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EF_Team5
Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6434
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Good afternoon!
OK, why don't you put the essay together like you are going to turn it in, and then post it here, and I will look through it again. I'm confused because your postings are not clear.
Thank you.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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bodeolagunju1
Member
Posts: 7
Joined: May 3, 08
Ref.#: 6441
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Thanks, I have sent the essay to the school.
God bless you real good.
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EF_Team5
Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6444
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Good evening!
I wish you good luck in your future academic endeavors!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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