ESSAY ON PARTIAL SCHOLARSHIP TO STUDY PUBLIC HEALTH

Kindly help me go through this ,thanks.

WYH ARE YOU APPLYING FOR PARTIAL SCHOLARSHIP TO STUDY PUBLIC HEALTH AT POSTGRADUATE LEVEL? Should not be more than 200 words and previous academic achievement shd be refered to.

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Good evening and congratulations on deciding to take this major step!

You make some really good points in this essay; here are my suggestions:

"My drive for living (How about changing this to something like, "My passion in life results from..." or "My drive and determination in life...") has been from successful achievement made in the area of my career but recently, , (Change this comma to a period; remove the "but" and begin the new sentence with "Recently..." and remove the next comma.) I have come to realize that it is not enough to have a good intention (Change to "...have good intentions..." , there are criteria for attaining greatness.
Ever since I was old enough to feel pain and suffering, I had mad (Change this to "had made") up my mind to fight these two in my vicinity /environ (How about "enemies in my environment"?) . Because of my background, I have come to realize that acquiring knowledge is the only weapon I have available which I am resolved to wield effectively in achieving my goal(This is a very powerful statement; how about cleaning it up to make the most out of it? How about "...available; I am resolved to wield it effectively to achieve my goal.") ."

I have distinguished myself with diligence and determination in my academics since my secondary school days. In my undergraduate days, my hardwork yielded dividend (Change to "dividends") in that I graduated as the best and only students in my set. I also was the overall best student nationwide in the qualifying examination in public health (Insert "examination, which was...") conducted by (Insert "the") West African Examination Board. I graduated with honors. With my focus on my dream,I joined a community based drug trial research team immediately after graduation as a field officer / (Replace this with "and") nurse. I was bale (I believe you mean "able") to reach the people(Insert a comma here.) especially women (Insert a comma here as well.) in my community through education and mass mobilization to enhance positive behavioural change.
During this period I was given a scholarship to attend (Insert "the") microbicide 2006 conference (Since this is a proper noun, capitalize it. "the Microbicide 2006 Conference") held in South Africa (Insert a comma here.) as an upcoming scientist. I came back with renewed zeal and vigour to contribute to (Insert "conducting") successful clinical drug trial (Change to "trials".) in my community. I saw the need for women, the (Insert "most") vulnerable group, to have (Insert "access to") a gel that could prevent HIV. It was then I realized without a master (Change to "Master's degree") in Public (This is not a proper noun, so there is no need to capitalize.) health, I have no chance to work in the research institute where my contribution is needed. This made me to (Remove) apply for MPH(Instead of abbreviating, go ahead and write it all out, or refer to it as "this advanced degree.) and I have been given a conditional offer of admission.

I am therefore applying for this scholarship (Insert a comma here.) which if given will make my dream come true. Mine is a case of a young woman with the wits and mind to excel at this course (Remove this-don't limit yourself here.) but fund (Change this to "...my current financial situation...") may pose a threat to the fulfillment of my dream. If given this scholarship, (Insert "along") with my savins (Spelling-"savings") , I will be able to pay my way through this one year programme that will determine how far my "noble" intention of seeing to the health of the populace in my community can be accomplished.

Very nice job! You do good work and your intentions are honorable. I wish you nothing but success!

Please let me know if I can help you further.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank you so much for a great job done.Ma I have made necessary adjustment but I need to edit and delete some part of this essay because, it should be around 200 words and it is
400words already.Please kindly help to summarise it.
WYH ARE YOU APPLYING FOR PARTIAL SCHOLARSHIP TO STUDY PUBLIC HEALTH AT POSTGRADUATE LEVEL? Should not be more than 200 words and previous academic achievement shd be refered to.

My passion in life result from successful achievement made in the area of my career. Recently I have come to realize that it is not good enough to have good intentions, there are criteria for attaining greatness.
Ever since I was old enough to feel pain and suffering, I had made up my mind to fight these two enemies in my environment. Because of my background, I have come to realize that acquiring knowledge is the only weapon I have available; I am resolved to wield it effectively to achieve my goal.

I have distinguished myself with diligence and determination in my academics since my secondary school days. In my undergraduate days, my hard work yielded dividends in that I graduated as the best and only student in my set. I also was the overall best student nationwide in the qualifying examination in public health examination which was conducted by West African Examination Board. I graduated with honors. With my focus on my dream,I joined a community based drug trial research team immediately after graduation as a field officer and nurse. I was able to reach the people, especially women, in my community through education and mass mobilization to enhance positive behavioural change.
During this period I was given a scholarship to attend the Microbicide 2006 Conference held in South Africa, as an upcoming scientist. I came back with renewed zeal and vigour to contribute to conducting successful clinical drug trials in my community. I saw the need for women, the most vulnerable group, to have access to a gel that could prevent HIV.It was then I realized without a Masters degree in public health, I have no chance to work in the research institute where my contribution is needed. This made me apply for this advanced degree and I have been given a conditional offer of admission.

I am therefore applying for this scholarship which if given will make my dream come true. Mine is a case of a young woman with the wits and mind to excel at this course but my current financial situation may pose a threat to the fulfillment of my dream. If given this scholarship, along with my savings, I will be able to pay my way through this one year programme that will determine how far my "noble" intention of seeing to the health of the populace in my community can be accomplished.

OK, no problem!

Let's take the introduction first:

"My passion in life result from successful achievement made in the area of my career. (Let's take this out and get right to the point.) Recently I have come to realize that it is not good enough to have good intentions; there are criteria for attaining (Change to "obtaining" or "achieving") greatness.
Ever since I was old enough to feel pain and suffering, I had made up my mind to fight these two enemies in my environment. Because of my background, I have come to realize that acquiring knowledge is the only weapon I have available; I am resolved to wield it effectively to achieve my goal." (We're at 77 words here.)

"I have distinguished myself with diligence and determination in my academics since my secondary school days. In my undergraduate days, my hard work yielded dividends in that I graduated as the best and only student in my set. I also was the overall best student nationwide in the qualifying examination in public health examination which was conducted by West African Examination Board. I graduated with honors.(This is very powerful, so I don't want to change much in your wording, let's just cut out any fillers. How about "As an undergraduate my hard work yielded high dividends; I graduated the best and only student in my set, best student overall in the nationwide public health examination conducted by the West African Examination Board; I graduated with honors.) We went from 62 words to 39 words.) With my focus on my dream, I joined a community based drug trial research team immediately after graduation as a field officer and nurse. I was able to reach the people, especially women, (Let's cut this down to just "...I was able to reach women..." in my community through education and mass mobilization to enhance positive behavioural change. We're now at 139 words.

During this period I was given a scholarship to attend the Microbicide 2006 Conference held in South Africa, as an upcoming scientist. I came back with renewed zeal and vigour to contribute to conducting successful clinical drug trials in my community. I saw the need for women, the most vulnerable group, to have access to a gel that could prevent HIV.It was then I realized without a Masters degree in public health, I have no chance to work in the research institute where my contribution is needed. This made me apply for this advanced degree and I have been given a conditional offer of admission." If we change this to something like, "I attended the Microbicide 2006 Conference and became reenergized; I saw the need in my community for women to have access to a gel that could prevent HIV. To do this, I need a MPH. I have applied for this advanced degree and have been given a conditional offer of admission. This partial scholarship will allow me to achieve my dream." We will be exactly at 200 words.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank you so much for a great job done.
This is the exact instruction copied from the application form. Ma do you not think this summarized essay does not have the passion to convince?. I actually need this scholarship. Must I follow instruction?
Ma does around 200words the same as exactly 200?Please do not be tired ,help me out!

8 PERSONAL STATEMENT (Please describe in around 200 words, why you feel that you should be awarded a Part Scholarship. Please include any information which may support your application e.g. outstanding academic achievements, relevant work experience, any publications, research grants or awards).

This is 193 words.
Recently I have come to realize that it is not good enough to have good intentions, there are criteria for achieving greatness.
Ever since I was old enough to feel pain and suffering, I had made up my mind to fight these two enemies in my environment. Because of my background, I have come to realize that acquiring knowledge is the only weapon I have available; I am resolved to wield it effectively to achieve my goal.

I have distinguished myself with diligence and determination in my academics since my secondary school days. As an undergraduate my hard work yielded high dividends; I graduated the best and only student in my set, best student overall in the nationwide public health examination conducted by the West African Examination Board; I graduated with honors. I attended the Microbicide 2006 Conference and became reenergized; I saw the need in my community for women to have access to a gel that could prevent HIV. To do this, I need a MPH. I have applied for this advanced degree and have been given a conditional offer of admission. This partial scholarship will allow me to achieve my dream.

Good morning.

You absolutely need to follow the instructions. Many of the organizations that offer these scholarships make the first round of eliminations those that did not follow the directions to a "T". You are very close to the 200 word mark; find some areas where you can add those seven words. Here are my suggestions:

"...background, I have come..." Can you add in just a few words a little about your background? For instance, "...of my background coming from a working class home, I have..." or whatever your individual background is.

It is difficult to impart a lot of emotion in so few words; the important thing is that the words you use are powerful, and I believe you have that here.