Ohio state application, Consider your talents and strengths...

...academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?

Hows this for a first draft?

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Hard work, commitment and determination are not just important qualities that a student should possess, but also qualities that one should try to put into use in everyday life. Throughout my life, various experiences, academic or otherwise, have highlighted the above point for me. Whether it was playing soccer for my high school against tough, physical opposition, or studying hard towards end of term examinations, I learnt that putting in hard work and maintaining commitment until the end was always the best way to go about life.

One particularly satisfying memory that stands out for me is a soccer game I played for my county when I was aged 16. I remember looking out of the team coach as we made the journey along the highway, and wondering if we really could overcome the odds and secure progression to the next round by beating Hertfordshire.

As the kick-off time drew nearer, realisation that I was not alone in my trepidations about the game came about when I looked around the dressing room and for the first time I could remember, I was not greeted with bubbly, almost excited faces full of anticipation. Instead, I saw determination and focus, and almost nervousness in the eyes of my fellow team-mates; the entire seasons endeavour had come down to the next 90 minutes.

The fact that we won that game 2-0, I think was almost entirely down to hard work and perseverance, and the collective realisation that although we may not have been able to match the opposition in terms of skill, we would definitely be able to beat them in terms of work rate and pure determination to get the result we so desperately wanted.

Experiences such as these have undoubtedly shaped my outlook on life, and nowadays I find that I always strive to put hard work into everything that I do. A recent example can be taken from my search to find chartered accountants at which I could complete a year-long internship with. When faced with many disappointing letters saying that there were either 'no available positions' or that I did not meet certain 'criterion' I often felt the urge to just give up and try my luck at finding something else to do in my gap year. However, I stayed committed and was determined to find the right business for my internship, and eventually, I found such a place.

Being involved in soccer competitions has taught me a few of lives many lessons to be learnt, and although at 19 I am a very long way from learning them, I believe that with hard work, commitment and determination I can continue to learn and grow from my everyday experiences.

Greetings!

This is an excellent first draft! I have just a few editing suggestions:

a soccer game I played for my county when I was [delete aged] 16.

almost excited faces full of anticipation. Instead, I saw determination and focus, and almost nervousness - Equivocating and qualifying can weaken your writing. I'd omit both 'almost'.

the entire season's endeavour had come down to the next 90 minutes.

chartered accountants where I could complete a year-long internship.

that I did not meet certain 'criterion' - Unless there was only one criterion you didn't meet, it should be plural: 'criteria'.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com