"The effects that music has on me" - admission application

Wow! I've been looking for a website like this, where I can submit an essay and have it proofread! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!

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No admission application can meet the needs of every individual. If you think additional information or material will give us a more thorough impression of you, please respond below. (500 word limit)

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Do you think my search for Prince Charming will seem like a weakness? Is the ending strong? And is it okay if I submit one or two more essays? Also, how can I become part of the EF_Team (eventually, not now!)?

Greetings!

First let me say that I think you're a very good writer! I did, however, find the Prince Charming bit more than a little confusing. Even reading it a second and third time, I don't understand the connection between that and your playing the piano. I think the ending is very good, though! :-)

If you mean, can you submit more essays here, the answer is a resounding yes! That's what we're here for! We appreciate your participation on the site, both submitting essays and adding your comments to those submitted by other students.

Welcome!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

I decided to remove Prince Charming altogether. Could you please look at this version?


I ran through the downpour, my tattered jacket soaking, soppy blue jeans sagging, and drenched jet-black locks lashing my face. Bitter tears trailed unnoticed down to my lower jaw and leapt into the air, joining thousands of falling raindrops in their descent. Lightning struck a nearby olive tree, and ensuing electricity sparks zapped the sky, making me yelp. Deafening roars of thunder followed, but I ignored Zeus's curses. I continued to run on the deserted street, oblivious to the muddy puddles my freezing, barefoot toes splashed into. My mind remained focused on a single recurring thought: I had to keep running.

"Tee dum tee dee tah dum tah dee!" The ringing cell phone snapped me back into reality, and I turned to face an irritated audience whose attention had shifted from me to the sheepish grin on a seventeen-year-old boy laid back in his seat, his feet plopped on the chair in front of him. I sighed as the blushing boy answered his phone. The first movement of Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata in C minor had taken three months to perfect for my audience, but they didn't know that. As far as they were concerned, I was just another high school student playing another piano piece. Nevertheless, my ballerina fingers continued to dance upon the keys. My heart fluttered, begging me to calm the storm Beethoven had unleashed.

"Clinkle, clink!" My left hand had wedged itself into my back pocket and grabbed the keys while I staggered up the hill to my house. I rammed the key into the lock, entered the house, and scampered to a window to witness the anger of the storm subside. Astonishment lit my face as the thunderstorm transformed into a light drizzle and the clouds revealed a peeking sun; the piece had ended.

I smiled. Playing piano was my way of releasing stress, tempering anger, expressing delight, and consoling emotional wounds. Music could soften my heart; I had already forgiven Cell Phone Boy. Did the audience understand how I felt? As if to answer my question, applause commenced, and I bowed.

My hands returned to rest lightly on the piano keys and wait for the applause to conclude. I remembered my first recital when my impatient hands began Circus Clown amid the clapping; the audience heard only chaos instead of clowns juggling and elephants parading. Now, I knew better. I used dynamics to augment harmonies and trills to show off skill, but most importantly, I used silence to add suspense. The clapping grew faint, and I paused for five more seconds, giving the audience time to lean forward. I knew they would love the grace of Debussy's Arabesque, a stark contrast to the Beethoven I had just finished. My fingers began to dance, and I led the audience to the place in my heart where thunderstorms calmed and swans sang.

(475 words)

Greetings!

I think you've improved the section on the storm! Very good! However, the paragraph which begins "Clinkle, clink!" My left hand had wedged itself into my back pocket and grabbed the keys while I staggered up the hill to my house." is confusing in the same way Prince Charming was. It takes the action away from the piano playing to another place entirely, without any indication that it is meant to be a fantasy, rather than reality. When you come back down to earth and it is evident that you are still playing the piano, it makes the reader say, "Oh ... but I thought ... hmm ..." You could avoid the confusion by simply adding a phrase like, "Carried along by the musical current, my mind began to create another wave of fantasy."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com