paul
Member
Posts: 8 Joined: Nov 26, 07
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Edited by: paul
Dec 13, 07, 02:55am ¦ #1
I really need help with my personal statement below. Please give me some feed back.Thank you for your help!!!
I come from a very traditional family of Vietnam. Born and growing up in a family of culture and traditional aspects, the influence in cultural and behavior that has been instilled in me has tremendously helped in my spiritual, metal and developmental upbringing. My parents have taught me a great deal of invaluable lessons of perseverance, tolerance, prudence and forgiveness, which leads me to the man I am today. All of these moral lessons have set roots into my mind, and from there they change my points of view, my attitude towards the life and mold the development of my whole life. My mother, actually, is a very ordinary person but she is the most persistent and hard working women I have ever seen. In fact, she is not a successful businesswoman and often copes with failures; however, all of her experienced life has left me with an effort to overcome hardships. Maybe she has never urged me to do exactly what we must do, but her encouragements inspired me a lot, her fortitude motivated me to keep moving forward. Each of her failure, her grief and the ways she set aside difficulties to move on have given an indelible impression in my mind, leading me to travel on the right road and encouraging me to take advantage of every opportunity. She has taught me in the clearest possible way that I should never give up, that I could surmount any obstacle, and that I could build an active life for myself. From the time at high school, I have taken part in many voluntary activities which helps me to improve myself. These activities give me broader perspective on life, and offer me opportunities to discover the values of my own. I have taken responsibility in various fundraisers and volunteered in the Green Summer Mission campaign to help many poor children get more optimistic about their future. I have also been a member of other organizations for the youth such as AIESEC, a place where I learn many skills of communication and have opportunities to explore the real experience of leaders. I have completed and have been challenged throughout high school and have been involved in many different activities recently that offer me a life of action and confidence. I am ready to face new challenges waiting for me and I eager to conquer them. All the time, I know that higher education is a key factor I need to attain to fulfill my dream, and that to set my own business. As many young people, I realize that business would be the most promising for the time coming and would be the prime factor to develop in this market economy. I believe that my endeavor will be compensated fairly. I can never thank my mother enough for what she has given me. I am confident with all things I have made in my life, and I owe all my strength to my mother. The lesson from her life has left me with the right direction of my road, pushing me forward -"Taking advantage of every opportunity and dealing with hardship are what make individuals grow into strong and functional members of society".
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EF_Team2
Moderator
Posts: 2319 Joined: Mar 1, 06
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Edited by: EF_Team2
Dec 13, 07, 04:31am ¦ #2
Greetings!
I think you've written a good essay! Here are some editing tips for you:
I come from a very traditional Vietnamese family. Growing up in a traditional family, the cultural influence and behavior that has been instilled in me has tremendously helped in my spiritual, mental and developmental upbringing.
All of these moral lessons have set roots into my mind, and from there they change my points of view, my attitude towards the life and mold the development of my whole life. - I think this is redundant; you've already said something similar in your opening, so I'd delete this.
however, all of her life experience has left me with an ability to overcome hardships. Maybe she has never urged me to do exactly what we must do, - this last phrase does not really make sense.
Each of her failures, her grief, and the ways she set aside difficulties to move on have made an indelible impression in my mind,
Since high school, I have taken part in many voluntary activities which has helped me to improve myself.
and offer me opportunities to discover my own values.
I have completed and have been challenged throughout high school and have been involved in many different activities recently that offer me a life of action and confidence. - This is a little too vague. Which activities? How or why did they make you more confident?
[delete "All the time,"] I know that higher education is a key factor I need to attain to fulfill my dream, and that to set my own business. - I'm not sure what this means.
As many young people do, I realize that business [delete "would be the most promising for the time coming and"] would be the prime factor to develop in this market economy. I believe that my endeavors will be compensated fairly.
"Taking advantage of every opportunity and dealing with hardship are what make individuals grow into strong and functional members of society". - Who is this quote from? You need to say.
Best of luck in your studies!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
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