FSU Application essay: need feedback and elimate 60 words!!

The topic is to basically explain the best advice given and why?
Please read this and give me any feedback you have!!!

Thanks in Advance!



"And the LORD shall make thee the head, and not the tail; and thou shalt be above only, and thou shalt not be beneath...." -Deuteronomy 28:13

It was October 17th, 2002: the day I became an adolescent. I will always remember this day not because it's so monumental for a young girl at that age, but it was the day the most important person in my life, my grandmother, moved away. Ever since I could remember my grandmother knew the bible like it was the back of her hand, and she made sure I knew this by frequently quoting scriptures on a daily basis while feeding me, teaching me to read, or putting me to sleep. Of all the scriptures she told, her favorite was Deuteronomy 28:13, "Be the head and not the tail." On the day of her departure, the last time I've heard her quote it to me in person; I knew I had to make her proud, by becoming the head and not the tail as much as possible. My passion at the time was music, music, music. I found myself in a trance when I played my saxophone, as if I was on top of the world, when in reality I was a mere band member in a group of 40. Some way or another I had to branch out from the bunch and illustrate how artistic and competent I actually was. Finally I began to audition for various community bands, resulting in 1st chair or the principle player. I knew then and there that I was beginning to lead and not follow. Soon after, I entered High School, unsure of what I can do to accommodate to that goal even more as well as have the best four years of high school possible. I didn't want to follow the path lead my peers tend to take hold of; instead I wanted to go where there is no path and leave a lasting trail. At my high school, it's a tradition to showcase the Senior Class Officers photos on the senior wall as to show some respect and honor to their accomplishment. As I scanned passed the pictures, one caught my attention. On the far left, was the Senior Class President. As I gazed upon her face, I saw life in her eyes, fulfillment in her smile as if everything she has done as finally paid off; a leader, not a follower, a person of high standards and a great future ahead. I saw myself in her. And I knew that is what my Grandmother would've wanted me to be. After that day, I had my mind set as to becoming President of the senior class. I concentrated on my studies to maintain the GPA required, I participated in many extra-curricular activities to get involved with my school and community, as well as serving as an office for Junior Class with hopes of preparing myself for the future..........It's been four years since I've seen my grandmother. The next time I'll see her is the day I graduate; the day I know I will remember forever because it will be the day that I can stand in front of all my peers, family, role models, and loved ones, and say to them, "I Jessica Hughes, Senior Class President, will always be the head and not the tail."

Any feedback?

Greetings!

I think you've written a great essay! I did some editing and pared it down to 499 words. See what you think:

"And the LORD shall make thee the head, and not the tail; and thou shalt be above only, and thou shalt not be beneath...." -Deuteronomy 28:13

It was October 17th, 2002: the day I became an adolescent. I will always remember this as the day the most important person in my life, my grandmother, moved away. My grandmother knew the Bible like the back of her hand, quoted scriptures to me on a daily basis while feeding me, teaching me to read, or putting me to bed. Of all the scriptures she told, her favorite was Deuteronomy 28:13, "Be the head and not the tail." On the day of her departure, the last time she quoted it to me in person, I knew I had to make her proud by becoming the head and not the tail. My passion at the time was music, music, music. I found myself in a trance when I played my saxophone, as if on top of the world, when in reality, I was a mere band member in a group of 40. Somehow, I had to branch out from the bunch and illustrate how artistic and competent I actually was. I began to audition for various community bands, receiving first chair or principle player. I knew then that I was beginning to lead and not follow. Soon after, I entered high school, unsure what I could do to reach that goal while having the best four years of high school possible. I didn't want to follow the path my peers took; instead, I wanted to go where there is no path and leave a lasting trail. At my high school, it's a tradition to showcase the Senior Class Officers' photos on the senior wall to show respect and honor their accomplishments. As I scanned the pictures, one caught my attention. On the far left, was the Senior Class President. As I gazed on her face, I saw life in her eyes, fulfillment in her smile, as if everything she had done had finally paid off; a leader, not a follower, a person of high standards with a great future ahead. I saw myself in her. And I knew that was what my Grandmother would have wanted me to be. After that day, I had my mind set on becoming president of the senior class. I concentrated on my studies to maintain the GPA required, I participated in many extra-curricular activities to get involved with my school and community, and served as a Junior Class Officer with hopes of preparing myself for the future.
It's been four years since I've seen my grandmother. The next time I see her will be the day I graduate--the day I know I will remember forever because it will be the day that I can stand in front of all my peers, family, role models, and loved ones, and say to them, "I, Jessica Hughes, Senior Class President, will always be the head and not the tail."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com