An essay for a scholarship that needs some serious repair...please?

I'm almost afraid to post this here since I'm a afraid some reader armed with Google is going to find it here and think I plagiarized my own work, but here is my autobiographical essay for a scholarship. It is very raw and not very structured but please be brutal, I don't have much time.

I wrote "from the heart" so it might not make sense or sound logical, and that's exactly why I need help. I have to go write more essays so I don't have time to go check and recheck. Also I need help making it sound interesting--I hate sounding sappy.

Prompt:
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)

Essay:
About me? Well, I am not a "normal" teen in any respect, but who really is? Rather, I am a girl with varied quirks and interests that make up a certain Sherise-ness. I have had to endure the struggle of keeping up certain interests even if I am by myself, and yet working hard to do my best through school despite certain aspects of my life. My mother always reminds me of how lucky I am whenever I try to take the easy and cowardly route of self-pity. Therefore, I know my life is not the worst. However, there are different factors in my life that have shaped me. These are various struggles and facets of my upbringing, that have all left a mark. But without these, I would never be so determined as I am now to be a success.

First off, my family life is a bit hard to describe. And we do not ask too many questions, especially since we value privacy a lot. Even to the extent that I have never completed a "family tree" assignment in school. But I have a lot of sisters, even some I do not know. Technically, they are all half-sisters. It is the same situation with my brothers except that there are only two of them. But I was born after everyone was on their own, so I was practically and only child. We weren't rich, and I knew that, but we were definitely comfortable. So as long as I didn't ask for too much, I would be fine. My mother certainly wanted to give the world for me anyway, she sent me to a private school against my father's wishes to save money. Keep in mind this is in the context of the choice of the rough F schools in my neighborhood. Therefore, I continued to go to Northwest Christian Academy and never left.

Through the course of my life, though there have been certain rough patches. In the grand scheme of things, they were not unusual, but they certainly shaped me. Like when my brother went to jail and my mom did not want me to see, so I stayed home when she went to the penitentiary; or when my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer; even a few years later when my mother told me that she would not be recovering when I was in the middle of a school day. And especially when she finally died a mere few minutes before I was planning on calling and talking to her. Of course, the problems were not over yet. There was even a certain experience when we arrived to scene of a crime only moments after the perpetrators left. The victims? A family friend and her son as they were preparing for a joint birthday party of that son and my nephew. Two of my sisters and I were running late and supposed to be in their too. We arrived before any police or ambulances were called. I'll never forget the image of the two bloody and dazed children with bullets in their heads.

However, these experiences did not crush me. I am actually quite used to crying then wiping my eyes and moving on with renewed determination. As a matter of fact, despite these experiences, what hurts me the most are mere words. When people write me off as "bougie" (bourgeoisie in a negative connotation) or "sell-out" because I do not act like what they think I should act. I lack a place where I fit in. So I really had to learn to get used to standing alone and defending what I believe in as long as I really believe in it. It can range from the petty things like my unusual fascination with Japan or disdain for the overly-trendy parts of the Hip-Hop fashion. Or it could be something bigger like refusing to further justify my "black"-ness to some ignorant person with preconceived notions.

Overall, I learned from my struggles and my mistakes. I cannot stay frozen in time after a crisis—big or small. I must move on. This has all the more to do with success. I need to be able to afford a good quality of life. I need to not have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck, so I can actually go home and raise my kids. And I need a way to thank my parents for everything. Such is me.

Greetings!

I think you've written a great essay! I do have some editing suggestions, though. First of all, I'm not sure that starting off with questions is really the best way to go. You might want to consider rewriting the first two sentences without the rhetorical questions.

And we do not ask too many questions, especially since we value privacy a lot. Even to the
extent that I have never completed a "family tree" assignment in school. - the second sentence is actually a fragment. I'd use an em-dash: "...value privacy a lot--even to the extent..."

But I was born after everyone was on their own, so I was practically an only child.

My mother certainly wanted to give the world for me anyway, she sent me to a private school against my father's wishes to save money. - this doesn't really make sense. How about "My mother wanted to give me the world: she sent me to private school against the wishes of my father, who did not want to spend the money."

Like when my brother went to jail and my mom did not want me to see, so I stayed home when she went to the penitentiary; or when my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer; even a few years later when my mother told me that she would not be recovering when I was in the middle of a school day. - this becomes confusing because you say "my mother" and then "she," making the reader wonder whether it is your mother who would not be recovering. Better would be "my mother told me, in the middle of a school day, that my sister would not be recovering." Also, try to avoid using more than one semicolon in a sentence (unless you are enumerating a list).

Two of my sisters and I were running late; we were supposed to be there, too.

When people write me off as "bougie" (bourgeoisie in a negative connotation) or "sell-out" because I do not act like what they think I should act. - this is a sentence fragment. When people write you off...what? It upsets you?

You end on a positive note and show that the very difficult experiences you've gone through have just made you a stronger person. You are to be commended!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thank You, I'll start working on correcting that essay.

Now, I've finished my next essay so I would appreciate if you would correct it too. Unfortunately, I'm 92 word over.


Prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

Essay:
"Wait! THAT'S my score?!" There was no way that scrawny number could be HER score. Nevertheless, imagine a chubby-cheeked little teenager with a high opinion of herself, eagerly awaiting to see just how well she did. She was the self-proclaimed "G--nius!", the smart girl, the girl who would have colleges falling at her feet. Conversely, with that math score...someone must have been lying to her. But of course, as the proverb goes, "Pride goeth before a fall." Ironically, knowing how to use "hubris" in a sentence would not help her here. And do not be mistaken. She retook the SAT and even tried the ACT. It was no "off day" she just could not conquer the standardized test. Her presupposed intellect had failed her!

It made no sense to her or rather, me, as you can probably guess. I just cannot imagine that after all these years of adults and peers feeding my ego, I could fail like this. I fell into bitterness for a while. I would be just another underachieving minority to go in the statistics. I was certain any acceptance to a college would be because of the color of my skin; just so I could help some diversity statistic. It just did not seem fair to people who are just like me—except they were not born as a visible minority. However, with some deep thought and self-reflection along with some pep-talk from my mom, I realized three things. I am too lazy, I am too cocky, and I am Sherise <full name> —why wouldn't the schools want me?

Step by step I had to make some observations like the following:

> Laziness is dangerous. Because of laziness, I missed out on a lot. I got comfortable at my effortless spot as number two in the class and never tried harder until it was too late and I was stuck trying to stay afloat through the crises.

> Cockiness is dangerous. When I got to prideful I unwittingly got too lazy. Also, pride was like a drink. It certainly altered my judgment. I was completely unaware just how conceited I was until I stopped to hear myself speak. I was horrified to find just how condescending I am to others even when I detest when others are condescending to me.

> I'm dangerous to the other competitors for this scholarship. I am Sherise <full name>. I have talents, interests, and a mind that would make me a great addition to an intellectual community. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. I have varied interests—perhaps too many. A word I like to use is "flit" since I seem to flit from one thing to another like Beneatha in "A Raisin in the Sun". But why should that be a bad thing? It makes me all the more charming. I get to be the one to synthesize a reading of an Chinese-American text with the information I've gathered during my obsession with Asian media. Or perhaps note a case where the actions of a group in history may connect with a certain aesthetic.

I've learned from my flaws. I'm not perfect but I can still try, and actually give a real attempt. I will still retake the SAT or ACT and I will get a grade I can cope with. I will be great and I will not be a faceless statistic. I will be Sherise <full name> who is may have too many interests, but I'm not a quitter, I'm a "flitter"!

Greetings!

I think it's always easier for someone besides the author to pare down an oversized word count. The editing process has been referred to as "murdering your children" because it's so hard to let go of even one of your own creatively-inspired words, much less, in this case, 92 of them--but I did it for you! :-) It is now exactly 500 words:

"Wait! THAT'S my score?!" There was no way that scrawny number could be MY score. Nevertheless, imagine a chubby-cheeked little teenager with a high opinion of herself, eager to see how well she did. She was the self-proclaimed smart girl who would have colleges falling at her feet. Conversely, with that math score... "Pride," as they say, "goeth before a fall." Ironically, knowing how to use "hubris" in a sentence would not help. And do not be mistaken. I retook the SAT and even tried the ACT. It was no "off day," I just could not conquer the standardized test. My intellect had failed me!

It made no sense. I just could not imagine that after all these years of adults and peers feeding my ego, I could fail like this. I fell into bitterness—just another underachieving minority. I was certain any acceptance to a college would be just so I could help some diversity statistic. It did not seem fair to people who are just like me—except they were not born as a visible minority. However, with some deep thought and self-reflection, along with some pep-talk from my mom, I realized three things. I am too lazy, I am too cocky, and I am Sherise <full name> —why wouldn't the schools want me?

Step by step I had to make some observations:

> Laziness is dangerous. Because of laziness, I missed out on a lot. I got comfortable with my effortless spot as number two in the class and never tried harder until it was too late.

> Cockiness is dangerous. When I got too prideful, I unwittingly got too lazy. Pride was like a drink. It certainly altered my judgment. I was completely unaware just how conceited I was until I stopped to hear myself speak. I was horrified to find just how condescending I am to others even though I detest when others are condescending to me.

> I'm dangerous to the other competitors for this scholarship. I have talents, interests, and a mind that would make me a great addition to an intellectual community. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. I have varied interests—perhaps too many. A word I like to use is "flit" since I seem to flit from one thing to another like Beneatha in A Raisin in the Sun. But why should that be a bad thing? I can synthesize a reading of a Chinese-American text with the information I've gathered during my obsession with Asian media. Or perhaps note a case where the actions of a group in history may connect with a certain aesthetic.

I've learned from my flaws. I'm not perfect but I try, and give a real attempt. I will retake the SAT or ACT and get a grade I can cope with. I will not be a faceless statistic. I will be Sherise <full name> who may have too many interests, but I'm not a quitter, I'm a "flitter"!

I do think you might want to consider rewriting this sentence: "Or perhaps note a case where the actions of a group in history may connect with a certain aesthetic." It's so vague that it struck me as rather anticlimactic; if you can be more specific without making it longer, I'd suggest trying to.

One thing I noted: you use the word "just" quite a lot; I lost count of how many instances of that word I excised!

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thank you so much. Also, I revised the first essay.

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Greetings!

I think you've done a great job with improving your essay! I have just a few editing tips:

Since we value privacy my parents do not like too many questions about our background since it gets complicated. - Rather than use "since" twice, you could substitute "because" for the second one.

In addition, there was even a certain experience when two sisters and I arrived to the scene of a crime only moments after the perpetrators left.

like when people write me off as "bougie" - I think you should still include the derivation of this word, as some readers might not understand it.

It upsets me when people tease me for my distinctly American accent. [technically, they are teasing you, not your accent.]

The older accent can be beautiful, and the strength I've gained from my struggles is even more beautiful.

The American education and the success of the new accent mixed with the gifts of the old accent and what the old generation has given is me. - This sentence ends a bit awkwardly; at first, I thought it was a sentence fragment. How about something like "My American education and the success of my new accent mixed with the gifts of the old accent, and what the old generation has given me, have made me what I am today." This is still a bit long, however, so you might want to pare it down some; just make sure it forms a complete sentence.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

I hope I'm not bugging you too much, but how about my essays now?

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Autobiographical Essay (2 words over the limit):
I have two accents and two lives. One, is the one everyone knows. It is clear and carefully constructed American English. It is the pleasant nerd. The other is lesser known. It is not that I do not want it to be known, rather that few want to know it. It is my "Trini" accent—I'm out of patience, I speak too fast, and I am harder to understand for some. It is all the hard and gritty parts of my life that yet hold a beauty in their own right—like the gold Trinidad pendant often adorning my neck despite the pointy edges of the peninsulas that can hurt sometimes. Hence, my accents bear a remarkable similarity to my life. I started with the accent of my parents but as they pushed me to learn with American materials I moved away from them and my accent, in turn, became American. However, the old accent will not leave me. Similarly, the factors that shaped me the most are my education, upbringing, and certain struggles. Because of this, I want to make sure I am successful.

First off, my family life is a bit hard to describe. Since we value privacy my parents do not like too many questions about our background because it gets complicated. I have a lot of sisters, even some I do not know. Technically, they are all half-sisters. I also have two half-brothers. Since I was born after everyone was on their own, I was practically an only child. We weren't rich, and I knew that, but we were definitely comfortable. So as long as I didn't ask for too much, I would be fine. However, my mother wanted to give me the world: she sent me to private school against the wishes of my father, who did not want to spend the money. Keep in mind this is with the alternative of a rough, failing public school. Therefore, I continued to go to Northwest Christian Academy and never left.

There have been rough patches through my life. In a global context, they were not unusual, but they certainly shaped me. Like when my brother went to jail and my mom didn't want me to see, so I stayed home while she went to the penitentiary. Another is when my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. A few years later, my mother told me in the middle of a school day that my sister would not be recovering. A particularly harsh time was when she finally died a few minutes before I was planning on calling her. In addition, there was even a certain experience when two sisters and I arrived to the scene of a crime only moments after the perpetrators left. The victims? A family friend and her son as they prepared for a joint birthday party of that son and my nephew. My sisters and I were running late and should've been inside too. We arrived before any police or ambulances were called. I'll never forget the image of two bloody and dazed children with bullets in their heads.

However, these experiences did not crush me. It is like when I realize I am speaking in a "Trini" accent and then I laugh it off. I move on. I am used to crying then wiping my eyes and progressing forward with renewed determination. Despite those various incidents, what hurts me the most are mere words–like when people write me off as "bougie" (bourgeoisie with a negative connotation) or a "sell-out" because I don't act like what they think I should act as a black person, or when people tease me for my distinctly American accent. Consequently, I feel as if I lack a place to fit in. I resultantly learned to get used to standing alone with my interests—like my unusual fascination with Japan or my disdain for the overly-trendy parts of the Hip-Hop fashion. Or it could be something bigger like refusing to further justify my "black"-ness to some ignorant person with preconceived notions.

Overall, I learned from my struggles and my mistakes. The older accent can be beautiful, and the strength I've gain from my struggles is even more beautiful. I cannot stay frozen in time after a crisis—big or small. I must move on. This has all the more to do with success. I need to be able to afford a good quality of life. I need to not have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck, so I can actually go home and raise my kids. Finally, I need a way to thank my parents for everything. Therefore, the success represented by my American education and the new accent is me as well as the gifts of the old accent and what the old generation has given.

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Evaluation essay:
"Wait! THAT'S my score?" There was no way that scrawny number could be MY score. Nevertheless, imagine a chubby-cheeked little teenager with a high opinion of herself, eager to see how well she did. She was the self-proclaimed smart girl who would have colleges falling at her feet. Conversely, with that math score... "Pride," as they say, "goeth before a fall." Ironically, knowing how to use "hubris" in a sentence would not help. And do not be mistaken. I retook the SAT and even tried the ACT. It was no "off day," I just could not conquer the standardized test. My intellect had failed me!

It made no sense. I just could not imagine that after all these years of adults and peers feeding my ego, I could fail like this. I fell into bitterness—just another underachieving minority. I was certain any acceptance to a college would be just so I could help some diversity statistic. It did not seem fair to people who are just like me—except they were not born as a visible minority. However, with some deep thought and self-reflection, along with some pep-talk from my mom, I realized three things. I am too lazy, I am too cocky, and I am Sherise <full name>—why wouldn't the schools want me?

Step by step I had to make some observations:

> Laziness is dangerous. Because of laziness, I missed out on a lot. I got comfortable with my effortless spot as number two in the class and never tried harder until it was too late.

> Cockiness is dangerous. When I got too prideful, I unwittingly got too lazy. Pride was like a drink. It certainly altered my judgment. I was completely unaware just how conceited I was until I stopped to hear myself speak. I was horrified to find just how condescending I am to others even though I detest when others are condescending to me.

> I'm dangerous to the other competitors for this scholarship. I have talents, interests, and a mind that would make me a great addition to an intellectual community. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. I have varied interests—perhaps too many. A word I like to use is "flit" since I seem to flit from one thing to another like Beneatha in A Raisin in the Sun. But why should that be a bad thing? I can synthesize a reading of a Chinese-American text with the information I've gathered during my obsession with Asian media. Conversely, I can snicker about the Dues ex machina at the end of a Harry Potter book.

I've learned from my flaws. I'm not perfect but I try, and give a real attempt. I will retake the SAT or ACT and get a grade I can cope with. I will not be a faceless statistic. I will be Sherise <full name> who may have too many interests, but I'm not a quitter, I'm a "flitter"!

Greetings!

Nope, you're not bugging me too much--this is what I'm here for! :-))

In the first essay, just take out "First off," and you'll be within your limit. You still need to correct this verb: "and the strength I've gain from my struggles is even more beautiful." - It should be "gained."

I do have a question about this part, from the second essay:
I realized three things. I am too lazy, I am too cocky, and I am Sherise <full name>—why wouldn't the schools want me? - Is the question meant to be ironic? It is a little confusing, because being lazy and cocky are negatives (arguably), and being Sherise is, presumably, a positive thing. So, are you saying schools would want you because you are lazy and cocky, or despite that? It's not really clear.

And a typo:
Deus ex machina

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com